I cry everyday. In fact, I cry multiple times a day. I cry with relief when I feel good and I cry out of weakness when I feel tired. I cry with delight when I can make dinner and I cry in appreciation when someone shows up with a meal for my family. I am very emotional these days but in a good way. I have felt so much love from friends and strangers. Most importantly, I have felt my loving Savior with every word, hug and casserole dish. I have had people helping with my animals, feeding time and several have offered to clean our stalls! It must be love for a friend to want to wipe your commode! And yes, I cried during that too.
A few months back, Puppy was really afraid of a pounding rainstorm. When the science lessons failed, I tapped into my fairy tale genes and informed her that Heaven just left it's sprinklers on! She was fine after that. Two days ago, I was tearing up and Monkey asked me if I left my sprinklers on. Yes, baby, I'm afraid I blew a fuse and they are stuck on automatic.
After a full month of resting and eating healthy and doing- well- basically nothing, I found out that my body is responding to the treatment though very slowly.
I
am out of the exhaustion phase but my energy level is at a 0 and my
reserve is at a 1- so DOC highly recommended I do absolutely nothing to
exhort energy or stress myself out physically, emotionally or mentally
to keep from falling back into the exhaustion phase. Apparently he does not subscribe to my blog.
He said that my GENERAL ADAPTATION is way off and my body is eating itself to try and
stay alive (nice mental picture). Explained: when we get a little
stressed... or see a bear coming at us, we go into fight or flight mode. We can only stay
in that ALARM STAGE for a very short time and then we move into a RESISTANCE STAGE so
that we can keep running. During this phase the body adapts to the stressors it is exposed to. This is where our body uses up what's extra to maintain our pace- however, if the bear keeps chasing us and we
keep running- we reach EXHAUSTION mode and the body does whatever it
takes to survive- including breaking apart organs.
I have been chased, so to speak, for quite some time because
the only thing keeping my body from shutting down is the constant
nutrients I have been giving it. Nearly all of my organs are operating
at a 1/4 of their performance level, shutting down one by one. So, after
a month of full vitamins, good nutrition and very little
movement/energy exertion- my body has moved from the exhaustion phase
and is slowly building the reserve back. I was grateful to hear the good news but a little weary of my slow recovery time.
You see, I used to stop and smell the roses- then I became a zookeeper. You have to move fast to keep up with wild animals and if a naked wild Tiger is escaping, slow and steady does not win any race! However, Tiger, and the rest of us for that matter, are all in a different place now than we were a year ago- even a month ago. The lord has confirmed to me multiple times that I didn't do anything wrong and I'm not being punished. I believe that. I do need to learn to "let go" of a few more things but sometimes wonder if I let go of one more thing- I'll have to start charging admission as my house really will resemble a jungle. Alas, the lord does not give us anything we cannot handle. So, whenever I feel weak, I raise my eyes upward and silently (at least I hope it is silently) and assure, "You've got my back, right?" Then, with all the strength I have for the day I press forward knowing that when I fall to my knees, He is there. Sometimes I fall in earnest prayer and other times it's because I lack the strength to get back on my feet. That's usually when the phone or doorbell rings and my soul's sprinklers switch back on.
Wild animals are only fierce when playing or feel threatened. Mine are no different. I have been read to by my Rhino, had my hair combed by my Puppy, sang songs with my Monkey and got served many plates of french fries by my Tiger. Mr. Zookeeper has been our glue and my full time, on-call plumber. You must always be careful around wild animals and the birds aren't always singing with the mice as they weave me a dress for the ball. There have been plenty of chants and war-cries; one time I heard the kids plotting to offer me up as a sacrifice to the volcano. There are messes and spills and undone chores (I've always cried a little over that- so that's not anything new) but most hours of the day we find ourselves enjoying the time by the waterhole. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight"- this song is my new happy place. My children and I have always shared these kinds of moments but now they
happen much more frequently and with minimal distraction. Rhino is sensitive and doesn't want to leave me alone, hanging back when the others go off to play. Tiger's guardian angel is pulling on his tail and he has slowed down a little for me catch up; though he is getting way too used to reaching high shelves without me getting to him quick enough to refrain him picking out only the orange fruit snacks from all 42 pouches and sending the rest to their burial. Puppy has helped me with chores and everything imaginable and Monkey has given me hugs and full rights to play with whatever Barbie I choose.
Life is full of choices but this one is already decided. If I am to get better, healthy enough to resume my Zookeeper duties, I am going to have to get in touch with my inner tortoise. Every animal has its strengths and weaknesses. Lucky for me- I have a hard shell. My body gives me grief but it has always served as the perfect vehicle my spirit needs for this earthly experience. In this time of trial, I have been able to slow down, reflect more and I strongly feel that I will be better because of it. This experience is allowing me to care for myself in ways that I have not been able to do in a long time. It is not easy for me and I cry a lot over that too. I am being molded and blasted and while the finished piece will be beautiful (or at least I'm hoping to survive it all to find out), it hurts to be cut and sanded, even if it is for just a short while. I am reminded that balance in all things is necessary and that life is to be enjoyed and not just endured. Sometime this is easier said than done. My body is in survival mode because that's usually what we're doing around- just trying to survive. And it's hard for me to always be on the receiving end when I so much want to be able to help others. But, we must care for ourselves if we are to care for others. Finally, we are never alone and what I can't do, I know others will (for myself and those I cannot help). Heavenly Father sends who he needs to do his work.
I am so grateful to the many kind- hearted people who have answered my pleas to heaven. I am being taught what it means to bear one another's burdens that they might be light. I could not rise if I didn't know there were angels ready to help carry me. I am grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who pushes us to be better and holds our hands as we walk forward on a path we can't always see. God is great. And the same God who has the power to move mountains, has the power to heal my body and shape my soul. I know this to be true and I know that strength comes in different forms. The world stops for no one, but in this leg of my race, I'm going to try harder to see things from the tortoise's perspective and enjoy the beauty that comes along with it...
