This post is a little hard for me to write, not because my fingers are cramping with every punch of the keyboard but because my heart is. Lately, I am not sure of who I am. It is hard to wake up every day and tell yourself that you are worth something when your mind tells you the opposite. It is hard to look your children in the eyes and tell them how much you love them when the thoughts of losing them won't refrain from ruining the moments. It is discouraging when every little bump in the road feels like a fall from a 40 foot cliff and every triumph is spoiled by the reminder of mortality and the thoughts of "enjoy it now, it may be your last."
I have a very blessed life but it has not been without its struggles. I have endured heart break and loss. I have suffered at the hands of other people's actions and words as well as my own. I have been hurt physically and I have trials that are hard for me just as every woman does, though they come in different packages. Mine are generally wrapped in ketchup bottles and wiped all over the house. Truth is, no one is immune from difficult times because that is what makes us human. Lately, I have had to face challenges I never intended on having, they were NOT on the chalkboard or the calendar. It was never going to happen to me. I am of sound mind and heart and much too sensible to succumb to depression. I never belittled anyone else in their struggle but never understood how it could happen to me. Never say never.
I have truly struggled with thoughts that are not my own. One little thing can light the match and before I have the chance to dial for help a forest fire of emotions and thoughts run wild. I am ashamed, embarrassed and afraid of the thoughts that have come to my mind. I have been defeated by messes that never seem to end regardless of how tired I am. I have cried in desire to eat the forbidden piece of bread, then I ate it out of weakness and cried because I did. I have felt alone with a husband traveling for work and I have cried over filling leaking out of my cinnamon rolls- nothing is off limits. I know I am loved, I know I am a good person but in those moments of depression, the shadows are strong and it is hard to see or feel the light. I would run to the bathroom to curb my tears only to find that my offspring haven't quite mastered the art of aim and the ability to flush the toilet... so my eyes would swell up anyway.
My dear, sweet, supportive husband has loved me through it all and always tries to reassure me but sometimes it is outside of his power to pull me through (though he is always on guard with open arms ready to catch me, run my time-out bath water and then tuck me in for a nap, even at noon on a Saturday). He has started emailing and calling me throughout the day to get a "feel" for how I am doing. When I am not well, he can tell as I begin to blurt out every thing that could have and did go wrong, and even if it didn't go wrong- it might as well have because I had doomed to fail anyhow. If I am well, I chuckle and let him know crazy lady isn't here and he is safe to return home... but he'd better do it fast because if he is late- I make no guarantees! This did not just happen over night, it has been coming on over a few years but it seems whenever I am down, for whatever reason (usually my health) the dark shadows just swoop in and give their greatest performance of persuasion. I have been afraid to be alone, I have been afraid to be with others. I cry unconditionally and often out loud; I have had a lot of headaches!
When I am in the moment I just want to slap something and when I come out of it, if you will, I feel like slapping myself! Who is that person? We don't have time for this, why doesn't she just get it together?
Let me tell you who I am. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend. Even though I have some amazing ketchup clean up skills, I am probably more like you than you may realize. Most importantly I am a daughter of God! Through all my ups and many downs, I have called out to him and He has not only answered but I have felt him close. I have always loved the quote, "Sometimes He Calms The Storm, Other Times He Calms His Child." (Scott Krippayne) This has been true in my life many times. I feel that this is a storm I must walk through but not one without sunlight; it's safe above the dark clouds and all I need do is look up a little higher.
Just yesterday I was going about my day, accomplishing many things on the to-do list when I found myself on the floor crying uncontrollably. I can't really explain what triggered it, but I think it had something to do with drinking the last drop of water before getting through all of my vitamins. Heaven forbid I had to take an extra minute to refill the glass! Luckily three children were at school and just one was upstairs. I cried, nay, I wailed in disbelief that this was happening again. Every thought imaginable raced through my mind and I found myself struggling to catch my breath. I got to the floor and pleaded to my Heavenly Father. I did not ask him to remove my cup (figuratively speaking of course), I just needed a break from drowning. I cried for him to hold me, even if just for a minute and before I could finish the prayer I felt my body cease from trembling and my heart at peace. I know it was divine love that has power over my physical, weak body. I am weak. I have had health problems lately that I am still trying to work on. I am getting better but the adversary will not let an opportunity pass by. It is his goal to capture the minds of mothers in order to thwart the work of God. Mothers are raising the next generation and what a target we become. That is not to say that anyone is free from attack but Satan works effortlessly at distracting a good mom.
As I calmed down from my worries and felt content once more, I quietly asked my Father in Heaven what I should do next. I needed to take action though I wanted to stay safe in His arms. The words came to my mind, "call your friend." I knew which friend but I wrestled with the prompting. I was embarrassed, what would I say? What would she think? An hour later I was in her home sharing my recent days. We laughed, we cried. She not only understood but had some confessions of her own. I was relieved. I went from God's arms to an angel's. Four more showed up later that evening, all unannounced and at random. He does not leave us alone!
It is not something we want to wear on our t-shirt or post on a public forum. It is not something we even want to talk about but I find the more I bring it up, the more I realize I am not singled out. So many women (and men- but they can have their own blog post) are fighting with themselves and don't always know why. I am not suggesting we start a depression support group, because,well, that might be depressing but what I am saying is that women are suffering and not all of them show it. The more we take the time to know and care about one another the more we realize how alike we really are. We are all fighting a hard battle- that is why we are here- but we are also warriors capable of our mission. At times, usually in our weakness and vulnerable times, the enemy attacks and it is cunning. Satan has had years of practice and knows how to get to a woman. My plea is that we all remember who our leader is and that as children of God we have His protection. The trick is, sometimes, we must ask. We must admit when we are wounded and accept help, whatever that individual help may be for each unique person. We must tend to our wounds and we must treat them with the time and attention they deserve. I am not implying we focus on our trials but I am suggesting we realize they are there and we overcome them, healing them completely so we can move on with all of our strength for we each have a great purpose before us.
It has been hard battling the demons while life goes on. I still have four children; two with special needs and I still have laundry and cooking and everything else that is required of me. I am learning the importance of baby steps and what matters most. I am trying to speak up so that others know when I need help and I am trying to be there when someone else cries out in need. I am trying to spend less time judging and more time loving.
We are given trials to make us stronger. All of these things are for our benefit. I truly believe that! I am becoming a better person, though it is hard to be scraped and constantly fall down- I know I have many people and a loving Father in Heaven who always help me get up and move forward.
Depression is real. I did not understand it before and I can't claim to fully understand it now but I do understand this; God's mercy is more powerful than any dark force. The things you tell yourself in a state of depression are not true! God
wants us to be happy and anything that makes us feel otherwise is not
of him. He did not remove my challenges or always tell me what I wanted to hear but I always felt a peace and a calm. This has pulled me out many times and I know it will continue to do so as long as I need it. Darkness is the absence of light, and if Christ can move mountains, he can also move clouds.We are never alone. He shares in our joys and our sorrows. Though the shadows may crowd in and lead us to believe there is no way out, I invite you to join me as I strive to grab hold of the Light. It is always there, we just need to look up...
