Music touches my heart like nothing else can. Most times, how I am feeling can be expressed with a few short lines beautifully composed while other times I have to create my own songs. I'd like to share a song that gets me every time, no matter what:
This song has always been a favorite of mine but now it is apart of who I am. One night, instead of sleeping, I was attempting to regain order of my home before losing it again at the early morning sounds of another busy day. Just trying to live and make sense of my life I turned on the radio. It happened to be Saturday night- Show Tunes after 7:00. I scrubbed the floors, counters and began working on the kitchen table. As usual, it was stained with ketchup that only comes up with elbow grease. I no sooner began wiping as this song came on. My eyes were immediately swelling and my body was over-pouring with emotion.
As I listened to the words, though they were familiar, the last 11 years replayed in my mind, particularly the last 8. I am a mother struggling everyday to reach my own unreachable stars. Autism can sometimes feel like the hell spoken of. To look at your child and have them turn away. To hug them and have them pull back. To speak, continuously and never know how and if they hear you. In attempt to preserve life, my now verbal son tells me I am ruining his life. I know better, and someday he will to but that doesn't take away the sting. My other son is very verbal yet talks to me as if I am a student of his.
The movie in which this song summarizes details a man who sees the world differently, sees people differently. That is how my sons live. We see windmills though they see a challenge and everyone is beautiful, in spite of what challenges they face. I am better for knowing them, and this is my quest- to make our worlds meet.
"To dream ... the impossible dream ...
To fight ... the unbeatable foe ...
To bear ... with unbearable sorrow ...
To run ... where the brave dare not go ...
To right ... the unrightable wrong ...
To love ... pure and chaste from afar ...
To try ... when your arms are too weary ...
To reach ... the unreachable star ...
This is my quest, to follow that star ...
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far ...
To fight for the right, without question or pause ...
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause ...
And I know if I'll only be true, to this glorious quest,
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm,
when I'm laid to my rest ...
And the world will be better for this:
That one man, scorned and covered with scars,
Still strove, with his last ounce of courage,
To reach ... the unreachable star ... "
(Lyrics by Joe Darion, taken from stlyrics.com)
I do indeed have a heavenly cause and am not without the blessings of heaven. With God, nothing is impossible. I have been blessed to dream. To fight and to bear. I have run where the brave dare not go and have been blessed with tender mercies to right even unrightable wrongs. I have and continue to love, no matter how far they seem and have been granted strength to try, even when my arms are too weary. Because of this, I have been blessed with courage to reach two (once) unreachable stars. The scrubbing and removal of ketchup suddenly seemed less painful.
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far ...
To fight for the right, without question or pause...
I am covered in scars. I have been wounded emotionally and physically but wounds heal and scars remind us of what we've survived. I wouldn't trade that for all the riches. I am not alone. I watch my children strive with courage to make sense of a world filled with windmills and never give up trying to make the world a better place just by being in it. They are true stars and deserve all of the glory that their brightness can penetrate. Stars light up the sky and They light up my world.
The world is indeed better for this. Their world is better for this, my world is better for this! This is my quest, to follow that star and to dream the possible dreams...
