Zoo Closes for Holiday Maintenace

The past month has been (and continues to be) a humbling time for me. I have been reminded that I am mortal and that at some time, we must all leave this earth. This wasn't the first (or last time) it's been considered but there are times that seem to find us more vulnerable than others.

I was watching a movie, Silent Night, with the dear husband when my arm started shaking. I'd been through this before so I continued watching on and tried to hold my arm tightly. With no success the shaking took over my body. I sprung up out of the couch no longer able to hold still and felt faint. That's when it all started. I felt out of my body and out of my mind. I looked at my husband for answers, and any amount of relief. I ran to the bathroom to throw up but couldn't hold still. I ran upstairs; I don't really know why, I just kept running trying to control my mind fearing that if I stopped, I may never get back up. I pleaded with my father in heaven to not let me die but no answer came. I drank some orange juice, took my vitamins and jumped in the bath in attempt to calm my body. It was no use. My eyes filled with tears and I admitted to my husband that I felt like I was going to die; if not tonight, then very soon.

I called my dad just to get another perspective and he spoke of Satan being real and really good at his deceptive craft. He mentioned the many women he counseled with as a bishop and gave me the shortened version of their talks. I needed to focus and be in control of my own thoughts. In short, Satan has the power to bruise my heel but I have the power to crush his head. I received my first of many priesthood blessings that night, how grateful I am for a loving husband who is worthy to place his hands on my head at any time and offer heavenly peace.

I was mentally and physically exhausted. I slept in and awakened to Mr. Zookeeper getting the kids off to school. I felt good so he headed off to work himself. Not even an hour later, I felt the shaking start. I called friends but got no answer. I followed my drill of unlocking the front door and calling Mr. Zookeeper. I went into my shakes and tried my best to control the episode. Within minutes, Mr. Zookeeper had two sweet friends coming through my door and into the kitchen where I sat on the floor. In chopped words, I explained what had happened and what I needed. I was shaking physically, mentally and emotionally. Satan had made his way into my head and was busy chiseling away. I asked a friend to pray in my behalf and instantaneously the shaking stopped and my body was calmed. One took my children while the other stayed and talked with me until Mr. Zookeeper could come home.

I felt embarrassed. I felt weak and I felt confused. The next morning I was given a blessing by our Bishop and dear friend. His words of counsel and comfort will always stick with me. In spite of the morning starting off so spiritual, Tuesday brought on another attack and when it was over, I was even more exhausted. Mr. Zookeeper took the next day off and thank goodness because Wednesday brought four sick kids with the flu and, not wanting to be left out, I caught it as well. Friday was my doctor appointment and I was ready to get relief. As it turns out, my body was suffering. In connection with all of my previous ailments and issues, my adrenal glands were overloaded and not doing well. We stopped all other treatment and are focusing aggressively on this one. On a scale of 1-10, our energy levels should be about 7-9 and dipping down into 6's when we are tired and ready for bed. At 10:00 in the morning, I was at a 2. Plus, my insulin resistance was back. I was discouraged and tired and found myself wondering if my premonitions of dying young were in fact true.

Saturday I woke up tired so Mr. Zookeeper put me back to bed. He had to go into work and Monkey was still struggling so he took her to the doctor. Double ear infections, poor baby. Wanting me to rest, Mr. Zookeeper took all the kids. Only I couldn't rest. I started shaking all over again and this time I felt "stuff" shooting through my veins. I can't really explain the feeling even though it still happens; at the time, it just felt scary. As he does, Mr. Zookeeper had another friend at my doorstep within minutes. I explained to her what was happening and within minutes felt my "crash". I laid on the couch to get some relief but then the shaking started up again. I didn't know what to do because I didn't know what was happening to me. I begged for another prayer and was granted with sweet words of comfort. I went with my friend to her house and sat, walked, laid and shook while she tended to me. Four kids of her own, one on the way and I was probably the biggest baby! Again, I just didn't know what to do- I felt so weird, so uneasy. She called a dear friend of ours who is a nurse and she checked my blood sugar and pulse. She says she did nothing but she'll never know the peace she offered in that simple act. Mr. Zookeeper picked me up and before leaving, I threw up. Rhino threw up so we left before doing more damage. I threw up in the car and about seven more times over the course of the next two hours. After sipping some Pepto, I finally felt relief. I just laid there, wiped out completely. Monkey was still pretty sad and struggling to sleep with her ear infections and cough so I sat on the couch propping her up so she could get some relief as well.

Sunday was uneventful, thank goodness and I sat content while Mr. Zookeeper went to the airport to pick up my mom. You never stop needing your mommy! She was here for the week to take care of the house and the kids so that I could get better. She cleaned and cooked and talked endlessly with me. She recalled her own experience with panic attacks and what she did to overcome them. I knew that I was suffering from anxiety, panic and probably borderline crazy but also had the physical end to deal with. I wasn't just imagining I was sick, I really was and have been undergoing treatment and life changes for the last six months! I am generally an overachiever but this was all getting to be a bit much. More friends showed up on my doorstep with encouraging words and gifts for Tiger. I will forever be grateful for everyone's kindness!

I had final exams I needed to complete so I worked to get those done while still trying to maintain my rest. Mr. Zookeeper and I decided it was time to put Tiger back in school. This was so hard for me on many levels. I saw what he could do at home and wanted to help him progress further but with doctor's orders of de-stressing and not lifting anything or anyone; I knew I would be of no use to him. I felt my life being taken away from me. It sounds dramatic, I know, but it is true. Everything I loved to do (and eat) was denied. I was taking vitamins to boost my system and vitamins to suppress my shakes. Enter Satan. He painted the not-so- nice picture of my exit. My grand finale was tragic and I couldn't bear to think of it, yet I could think of nothing else. I pleaded with the Lord again and received the peaceful assurance that I was never alone.

The week was full of ups and downs. Mom was due to go home but I was still struggling so it was decided the kids and I would go home with her and reunite with Mr. Zookeeper a week later. That night I met some wonderful ladies who were all going through challenges of their own, particularly with special needs children. One woman spoke of her sweet daughter who has a fatal disease and it did my heart good to share her spirit. This young, sweet mother reminded me how every minute, every moment counts and how beautiful life is even with all of its uncertainties. I went home grateful to her and to my Heavenly Father for my own precious children and life. In preparation of leaving early the next morning, I packed our things and I carried my daughter up the stairs to bed. Unfortunately, I was not as strong as I felt. I had no strength; I nearly collapsed and the shaking started again. I was so sick. Mr. Zookeeper woke up and provided me another blessing. I was able to calm my body down and rest.

The first two weeks of December were draining but the month was not over. Every song or thought made me realize my mortality and open the gateway for Satan to swoop in and muddle my mind. I talked with my dad again and regained some perspective. Heavenly Father would never make me feel like those thoughts were making me feel. Christ never leaves us and we're here to be happy!

I went to stay with my sister while my mom kept my kiddos. Oh, was that difficult. My husband in one house, my kids in another and there I was just trying not to shake, think, cry or all of the above. The simplest things wore me out completely and I was my sister's third child. Christmas was a week away and I had been down the whole month. I gathered my thoughts and focused on recovery. I focused on my Savior and the true meaning of health and strength. I focused on letting my body heal in it's own time and I focused on what it was trying to tell me. I rested, truly and for the first time in a long time, I took care of myself first. Of course I felt guilty, and I worried about Christmas and everything else but then the sweet guidance of my Savior reminded me that family was the best gift. My children didn't need my presents, they needed my presence. I was able to gain some strength and with the help of my sister got a few items from the wish lists of my children. I was beginning to feel normal again and was grateful for the renewal. I know that my recovery and transformation are not yet completed but I also know that I will not have to travel this unknown road alone. I am grateful for modern medicine and the miracles provided at the hands of others. I am grateful for friends and family who welcomed me and my children into their homes and hearts when it was less than convenient. I am grateful for the priesthood, my eternal family and the knowledge I have of  the Plan of Salvation. I am grateful for angels who have accompanied me both from heaven and earth and for letting me lean on their joyous strains.  I am grateful for the gifts given to me in the form of patience, charity, long suffering and love.

I know that the Lord does not give us anything we cannot handle and all of our trials make us stronger. I cannot explain the things I have learned because the teaching isn't over but I do know that Christ lives and never leaves us. This all started while watching a movie about a silent night and the famous song it became. Silent Night, Holy Night. All is calm, all is bright... Sleep in Heavenly Peace.

I mentioned earlier that in the beginning, I prayed for comfort that didn't seem to come. I prayed to be healed and was not granted that plea immediately. I wondered what that meant and have been enlightened to remember that God does not take away our challenges because he loves us. He lets us endure and sometimes does not reveal all things because we have to learn them for ourselves. Yet, he does this with open arms. I guess I never really felt alone, I just wasn't getting the answers I wanted. Like a loving parent, he stayed by my side and weathered my storm with me. I never saw his face or heard his voice, but I felt my Savior speak to my heart and offer guidance and comfort. The times I cried out and begged for him to lift me up I realize now were the times he was already holding me.

As I continue to rest and recover, I ponder the first Christmas and the gifts that were given. Mary bore her son in a borrowed stable with her worried and attending husband by her side and her Heavenly Father near. Shepherds came to visit and wise men offered gifts.  The world was still.  This past month, I felt in another world. I never got to sing Christmas songs, bake (or eat) cookies, attend parties or any of the other festive traditions I enjoy. I tried not to visit the land of self pity and knew many, many others who were worse off but it did not escape my mind nonetheless. I kept trying to get better so I could enjoy the season before it was over. In God's mercy, I got something better. While trying to get well for Christmas I was blessed with the spirit of it. I received the true love of Christ through service rendered me even when I could give nothing in return. I am humbled in knowing that any strength I have comes from the Lord and he will make me strong enough to serve my family once again. Christmas morning found me watching my family with new eyes of love and gratitude for the miracle that every day presents.  I truly was happy to just be a part of it all and well enough to enjoy the time with them. Life is precious and I have been blessed in ways I cannot describe. For now, all is calm and all is bright and I, like Mary, will take all of these things and ponder them in my heart...

A Sport of Our Own

Well. It happened. My family finally made it to Scheels to see what all of the excitement was about. I'm sure most people found the ferris wheel and stuffed animals to be great entertainment, I just feel sorry for the poor worker watching the security camera in the toy section at the very time that Tiger decided to throw a fit and fall off my back, de-pantsing me in the process... come to think of it, I should be charging admission. Folks, listen to your mother when she tells you to always leave the house wearing fresh undies!

It was like Cirque Du Soleil gone wrong right in the middle of the scuba diving section! Tiger was upside down sliding down my back and I was holding onto his legs, he tried to grab mine but took my pants off instead! I finally just dropped him in attempt to save mankind. Of course the struggle didn't end there but at least I fought him the rest of the time with my clothes on. 

Mr. Zookeeper was slightly luckier, I suppose. He too will have a special security camera tape labeled and saved as the man who ran through the store grasping a pellet gun target like it was a football and he was going for the touchdown. He was looking at the item when Tiger darted off. Instinct set in and he started running. It was actually quite impressive to watch him duck in and around crowds of people. They disappeared out of sight but I was not too alarmed, maybe because my pants were on but I knew he'd work it out or I'd hear my name called across the loud speaker to come and collect him. I'm sure he looked like he was attempting to shoplift and attracted many eyes, including security. Perfect, I thought, they can help catch Tiger! We tend to draw attention in crowds, may as well use it to our advantage.

An elderly man tried to help but Tiger is good. He tucks in his shoulders just as you go to grab them. I saw a large, husky man eying him... maybe his instinct was about to set in and he would get to use his college linebacker skills.  I wanted to help save Tiger's life but I was left with a Rhino, Puppy and a Monkey.

Tiger has autism. Monkey has attitude with a side of stubborn. Sometimes I don't know which one is harder.

I'm not sure what the problem was because, "it was too hard to say it."  Whatever that really means. I think she was exhausting herself but was not giving up!  One thing for sure, she is not a quitter! Rhino went potty (the anticipation of earning a hot dog was too much), Puppy sat quietly in the cart wrapped up in her blanket and Monkey proceeded to reenact the four year old version of Planet of the Apes. Mr. Zookeeper returned, panting, with Tiger and Target in hand.  I asked why he didn't just drop the target and he looked at me in confusion. 

Carolers sang Christmas songs to the million people gathered around and our two children sang songs of their own though the words and harmony weren't nearly as peaceful. Puppy asked if we'd still get to ride the ferris wheel and I had this flash of hollywood terror. I could see it. Rhino and Puppy trapped in a car by themselves (because the other two can't be trusted) and Puppy throwing up last night's dinner forty feet in the air, because that's just my luck. Rhino would be scoping the place out for free samples and reptiles. I'd be in a car with Tiger probably getting beat up as I tried to keep his hands, feet and buttocks in the car and poor Mr. Zookeeper getting yelled at by a Monkey dangling over the side of the car just to make her point clear. "Maybe we'll come back when it's not so busy- that line looks pretty long and I'm hungry, " I said calmly. 

When Mr. Zookeeper got back from chasing Tiger down and back up the escalator, we headed for the checkout. "How's your day" they ask politely... or at least that's what I think they said, I could barely hear over the sound of happy children. Rhino became upset because he didn't get a pogo-stick (that's a whole other image) and Tiger was very confused (and upset) that he didn't earn his pipecleaners. Monkey was starting Planet of the Apes: the musical.

There was a lot to see at the fascinating sporting store (I think, we didn't see much more than what was right in front of us)- however- like most outings, we sort of created a sport of our own. Thank you to the kind man who gave me change for a five so that Tiger could throw balls at something intended to be hit and to all of the kind people who turned away and laughed quietly while I pulled my pants back up... who says there's not good people in this world? I highly recommend the store, there is so much to see and if you want an extra show, come when we're visiting as well, though it may not be suitable for young children...

The Impossible Dream

Music touches my heart like nothing else can. Most times, how I am feeling can be expressed with a few short lines beautifully composed while other times I have to create my own songs. I'd like to share a song that gets me every time, no matter what:

This song has always been a favorite of mine but now it is apart of who I am.  One night, instead of sleeping, I was attempting to regain order of my home before losing it again at the early morning sounds of another busy day. Just trying to live and make sense of my life I turned on the radio. It happened to be Saturday night- Show Tunes after 7:00. I scrubbed the floors, counters and began working on the kitchen table. As usual, it was stained with ketchup that only comes up with elbow grease. I no sooner began wiping as this song came on. My eyes were immediately swelling and my body was over-pouring with emotion.

As I listened to the words, though they were familiar, the last 11 years replayed in my mind, particularly the last 8. I am a mother struggling everyday to reach my own unreachable stars. Autism can sometimes feel like the hell spoken of. To look at your child and have them turn away. To hug them and have them pull back. To speak, continuously and never know how and if they hear you. In attempt to preserve life, my now verbal son tells me I am ruining his life. I know better, and someday he will to but that doesn't take away the sting. My other son is very verbal yet talks to me as if I am a student of his.

The movie in which this song summarizes details a man who sees the world differently, sees people differently. That is how my sons live. We see windmills though they see a challenge and everyone is beautiful, in spite of what challenges they face. I am better for knowing them, and this is my quest- to make our worlds meet.

"To dream ... the impossible dream ...
To fight ... the unbeatable foe ...
To bear ... with unbearable sorrow ...
To run ... where the brave dare not go ...
To right ... the unrightable wrong ...
To love ... pure and chaste from afar ...
To try ... when your arms are too weary ...
To reach ... the unreachable star ...

This is my quest, to follow that star ...
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far ...
To fight for the right, without question or pause ...
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause ...

And I know if I'll only be true, to this glorious quest,
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm,
when I'm laid to my rest ...
And the world will be better for this:
That one man, scorned and covered with scars,
Still strove, with his last ounce of courage,
To reach ... the unreachable star ... "
 (Lyrics by Joe Darion, taken from stlyrics.com)

I do indeed have a heavenly cause and am not without the blessings of heaven. With God, nothing is impossible. I have been blessed to dream. To fight and to bear. I have run where the brave dare not go and have been blessed with tender mercies to right even unrightable wrongs. I have and continue to love, no matter how far they seem and have been granted strength to try, even when my arms are too weary. Because of this, I have been blessed with courage to reach two (once) unreachable stars. The scrubbing and removal of ketchup suddenly seemed less painful.

 No matter how hopeless, no matter how far ...
To fight for the right, without question or pause...

I am covered in scars. I have been wounded emotionally and physically but wounds heal and scars remind us of what we've survived. I wouldn't trade that for all the riches. I am not alone. I watch my children strive with courage to make sense of a world filled with windmills and never give up trying to make the world a better place just by being in it. They are true stars and deserve all of the glory that their brightness can penetrate. Stars light up the sky and They light up my world.

The world is indeed better for this. Their world is better for this, my world is better for this! This is my quest, to follow that star and to dream the possible dreams...

Out of the Shadows

This post is a little hard for me to write, not because my fingers are cramping with every punch of the keyboard but because my heart is. Lately, I am not sure of who I am. It is hard to wake up every day and tell yourself that you are worth something when your mind tells you the opposite. It is hard to look your children in the eyes and tell them how much you love them when the thoughts of losing them won't refrain from ruining the moments. It is discouraging when every little bump in the road feels like a fall from a 40 foot cliff and every triumph is spoiled by the reminder of mortality and the thoughts of "enjoy it now, it may be your last."

I have a very blessed life but it has not been without its struggles. I have endured heart break and loss. I have suffered at the hands of other people's actions and words as well as my own. I have been hurt physically and I have trials that are hard for me just as every woman does, though they come in different packages. Mine are generally wrapped in ketchup bottles and wiped all over the house. Truth is, no one is immune from difficult times because that is what makes us human. Lately, I have had to face challenges I never intended on having, they were NOT on the chalkboard or the calendar. It was never going to happen to me. I am of sound mind and heart and much too sensible to succumb to depression. I never belittled anyone else in their struggle but never understood how it could happen to me. Never say never.

I have truly struggled with thoughts that are not my own. One little thing can light the match and before I have the chance to dial for help a forest fire of emotions and thoughts run wild. I am ashamed, embarrassed and afraid of the thoughts that have come to my mind. I have been defeated by messes that never seem to end regardless of how tired I am. I have cried in desire to eat the forbidden piece of bread, then I ate it out of weakness and cried because I did. I have felt alone with a husband traveling for work and I have cried over filling leaking out of my cinnamon rolls- nothing is off limits.  I know I am loved, I know I am a good person but in those moments of depression, the shadows are strong and it is hard to see or feel the light. I would run to the bathroom to curb my tears only to find that my offspring haven't quite mastered the art of aim and the ability to flush the toilet... so my eyes would swell up anyway.

My dear, sweet, supportive husband has loved me through it all and always tries to reassure me but sometimes it is outside of his power to pull me through (though he is always on guard with open arms ready to catch me, run my time-out bath water and then tuck me in for a nap, even at noon on a Saturday). He has started emailing and calling me throughout the day to get a "feel" for how I am doing.  When I am not well, he can tell as I begin to blurt out every thing that could have and did go wrong, and even if it didn't go wrong- it might as well have because I had doomed to fail anyhow. If I am well, I chuckle and let him know crazy lady isn't here and he is safe to return home... but he'd better do it fast because if he is late- I make no guarantees! This did not just happen over night, it has been coming on over a few years but it seems whenever I am down, for whatever reason (usually my health) the dark shadows just swoop in and give their greatest performance of persuasion. I have been afraid to be alone, I have been afraid to be with others. I cry unconditionally and often out loud; I have had a lot of headaches!

When I am in the moment I just want to slap something and when I come out of it, if you will, I feel like slapping myself!  Who is that person?  We don't have time for this, why doesn't she just get it together?

Let me tell you who I am. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend. Even though I have some amazing ketchup clean up skills, I am probably more like you than you may realize. Most importantly I am a daughter of God!  Through all my ups and many downs, I have called out to him and He has not only answered but I have felt him close. I have always loved the quote, "Sometimes He Calms The Storm, Other Times He Calms His Child." (Scott Krippayne) This has been true in my life many times. I feel that this is a storm I must walk through but not one without sunlight; it's safe above the dark clouds and all I need do is look up a little higher.

Just yesterday I was going about my day, accomplishing many things on the to-do list when I found myself on the floor crying uncontrollably. I can't really explain what triggered it, but I think it had something to do with drinking the last drop of water before getting through all of my vitamins. Heaven forbid I had to take an extra minute to refill the glass! Luckily three children were at school and just one was upstairs. I cried, nay, I wailed in disbelief that this was happening again. Every thought imaginable raced through my mind and I found myself struggling to catch my breath. I got to the floor and pleaded to my Heavenly Father. I did not ask him to remove my cup (figuratively speaking of course), I just needed a break from drowning. I cried for him to hold me, even if just for a minute and before I could finish the prayer I felt my body cease from trembling and my heart at peace. I know it was divine love that has power over my physical, weak body. I am weak. I have had health problems lately that I am still trying to work on. I am getting better but the adversary will not let an opportunity pass by. It is his goal to capture the minds of mothers in order to thwart the work of God. Mothers are raising the next generation and what a target we become. That is not to say that anyone is free from attack but Satan works effortlessly at distracting a good mom.

As I calmed down from my worries and felt content once more, I quietly asked my Father in Heaven what I should do next. I needed to take action though I wanted to stay safe in His arms. The words came to my mind, "call your friend."  I knew which friend but I wrestled with the prompting. I was embarrassed, what would I say? What would she think?  An hour later I was in her home sharing my recent days. We laughed, we cried. She not only understood but had some confessions of her own. I was relieved. I went from God's arms to an angel's. Four more showed up later that evening, all unannounced and at random. He does not leave us alone!

It is not something we want to wear on our t-shirt or post on a public forum. It is not something we even want to talk about but I find the more I bring it up, the more I realize I am not singled out. So many women (and men- but they can have their own blog post) are fighting with themselves and don't always know why. I am not suggesting we start a depression support group, because,well, that might be depressing but what I am saying is that women are suffering and not all of them show it. The more we take the time to know and care about one another the more we realize how alike we really are. We are all fighting a hard battle- that is why we are here- but we are also warriors capable of our mission. At times, usually in our weakness and vulnerable times, the enemy attacks and it is cunning. Satan has had years of practice and knows how to get to a woman. My plea is that we all remember who our leader is and that as children of God we have His protection. The trick is, sometimes, we must ask. We must admit when we are wounded and accept help, whatever that individual help may be for each unique person. We must tend to our wounds and we must treat them with the time and attention they deserve. I am not implying we focus on our trials but I am suggesting we realize they are there and we overcome them, healing them completely so we can move on with all of our strength for we each have a great purpose before us.

It has been hard battling the demons while life goes on. I still have four children; two with special needs and I still have laundry and cooking and everything else that is required of me. I am learning the importance of baby steps and what matters most. I am trying to speak up so that others know when I need help and I am trying to be there when someone else cries out in need. I am trying to spend less time judging and more time loving.

We are given trials to make us stronger.  All of these things are for our benefit. I truly believe that!  I am becoming a better person, though it is hard to be scraped and constantly fall down- I know I have many people and a loving Father in Heaven who always help me get up and move forward.

Depression is real. I did not understand it before and I can't claim to fully understand it now but I do understand this; God's mercy is more powerful than any dark force. The things you tell yourself in a state of depression are not true! God wants us to be happy and anything that makes us feel otherwise is not of him. He did not remove my challenges or always tell me what I wanted to hear but I always felt a peace and a calm.  This has pulled me out many times and I know it will continue to do so as long as I need it. Darkness is the absence of light, and if Christ can move mountains, he can also move clouds.We are never alone. He shares in our joys and our sorrows. Though the shadows may crowd in and lead us to believe there is no way out, I invite you to join me as I strive to grab hold of the Light. It is always there, we just need to look up...

Zoo animals meet Circus animals

If you haven't been to the circus yet- GO! Yes, I know it costs too much money and we had to buy over priced popcorn but it was all so worth it!

We got a late start. My van was dead so Mr. Zookeeper had to replace the battery. While he was cleaning up, I quickly drove to a neighbor's house to retrieve Tiger's shoes. Upon returning I saw Mr. Zookeeper wandering the neighborhood. Tiger was gone but a distant neighbor saw him and pointed us in the right direction. He was heading towards Main street and upon questioning, "I was just going to McDonald's."

We had to forgo our trip to get a few snacks (hey, the circus trainers feed their animals while performing) but we managed to get a great parking spot and were in our seats minutes before the show started.

Lions, Tigers and Motorcycles!

Horses and acrobats and poodles and a goat walking the tightrope! One man stood there smiling while three more climbed on his shoulders and warriors jumped through rings of fire. I've been stepped on and set on fire but never like that.

There was so much excitement that I nearly wet myself several times. The first happened when I realized I got us front row seats in a balcony. There were no safety nets, there were no harnesses but there I was in a death defying act. (I lived by the way- in spite of my fear of heights and the seats were great because we saw everything.) I loved it, Mr. Zookeeper loved it (in a manly way) and the kids were awe-struck- literally, they didn't move for 2 hours. They didn't know what quite to expect (Madagascar 3 set them up for some wild ideas) but we all loved it and each took home our own special memories.

There were too many moments of awe to describe- however they were selling brochures, pennants, flags, cups, and DVDs so as to never forget the experience. Even if you hate the circus- go just to listen to the ringmaster open the show with the national anthem. He was amazing! I always had respect for the bald eagle but even watching the elephant wave the flag got me all choked up.

These masters trusted their animals and the feeling looked mutual. The theme celebrated the Year of the Dragon. We learned about having Heart, Courage, Wisdom and Strength.  You can't go wrong with dragons and animals and talented people throwing each other around. I know- we do that every day around here (minus the talent part) but what stuck out to me was the support system.  I'm a mom, you know there had to be a moral to the story. No matter how brave, strong or experienced they were in their act; NO ONE ever worked alone!  Even the lion/tiger trainer had someone just outside the cage waiting to help him out if any cat decided to walk on the wild side. The trapeze swingers each had a person spotting them and no one made a leap without someone else ready to rescue them.

But wait, this is the greatest show on earth! These performers do multiple shows a day and probably do these things blindfolded and in their sleep. What seems to us as incredible and amazing is actually fun in their eyes. I admit, I have a theatrical side and part of me wants to be out there in a (full-body, loose fitting) leotard enjoying the thrill of performing but that's a different dream and I'm better suited in the audience with my amazing zoo. They make it look so easy but the acts really are dangerous. And the point is that no matter how much you practice, how experienced you are or how well you perform- you can still mess up. But that's the beauty. These people are doing things we only dream of and we're cheering for them whether they're flying through the air or standing there waving to us. We're just happy to be there with them. A great thing happened. During the trick riding, one man missed his mark and couldn't get on the horse. He shook it off, refocused, asked for a little encouragement from the audience and got right back up nailing the somersault over the horses head. The crowd cheered even louder.

Perhaps we'd all be better at our jobs as moms and wives and people in general if we realized that it's OK to miss the first or second try. Maybe we'd be better friends if we were more supportive; ready to catch someone if they fall or lose their footing but always cheering them on and getting louder when the task gets harder.  It's not one person, one animal or act that makes it the greatest show on earth- it's hundreds of people coming together to do what they love and share it with other people...

Fish out of Water

Tiger loves adventure. I do too, but how can I compete with Wildlife of Africa?

If I'm not quick enough or have an acceptable reason for stalling- he just packs up and starts on his way.

He has wanted to go camping and fishing all summer. We all wanted to. Monkey likes the smores, Puppy likes the dirt. Rhino wanted to go play nocturnal games and Tiger wanted to pee on a tree and not get in trouble for it. With my health and Mr. Zookeeper being gone so much- we just haven't been able to get out.

The living room is still under construction so we put up a tent. We did hot dogs, smores and a whole box of matches in the fire-pit out back.  We went out on the four-wheeler and brought back lots of dirt and yet, the desire to go camping and fishing remains.

Mr. Zookeeper is hiking with Rhino's class field-trip. Once we shared that someone might have to pull Rhino up the mountain, the teacher was all too happy to allow one of us to chaperone.

I was scheduling a vet appointment (for the dog) when I heard the door shut. Instinct made me dart around every corner, over every pile and fly down the steps and out the front door. Tiger was making his way up the mountain too. When I told him it was in the other direction, he seemed really put out that he had gone so far for nothing. I convinced him I could not go camping since we didn't have enough french fries to last overnight but we did have a river close by and dad left us the fishing poles.

I made Tiger cut the hot dogs. Apparently catfish like hot dogs, there is just something not right about that but it was better than handling worms. Once the sensory activity was completed; I grabbed the pole, tackle box, my garden gloves and fruit snacks. Wait- mom needs bug spray "Tiger- the river is the other way!"

We dodged a garden snake and several grasshoppers. Monkey and I agreed- that was close.

Monkey was delighted to be the hot dog handler. Tiger was delighted to not have to touch one again. The hook was baited and I just prayed nobody had to be rushed to the doctor with a fish hook hanging off of something. Tiger wailed that pole around and slammed it into any and everything within reach. Forget the fish, I was afraid we'd be going home with a bird! After five minutes and two whole hot dogs lost, Tiger grew anxious. I told him once the hot dogs were gone- we'd have to be done (built in timer). Slowly, we cast out again in attempt to catch something other than moss, branches and unexpected passers-by. We talked out the ABC's so that the pole had to stay in the water at least long enough to get wet before he was ready to reel it back in just to check. I have a new found respect for my parents and now completely understand the little bell Dad put on the end of my pole. Tiger sat on my lap and while Monkey reminded us what letter came next I said a silent prayer. Please, please just let him catch something- he'll never let it go until he catches something and though I might run out of hot dogs today, tomorrow will come.  As we approached the letter H, I second guessed my prayer- I wanted to take it back. If he catches something- I have to handle it! Before we got to L my line got tight. I tried to ignore it but Tiger saw the tip of the pole bend. "A fish A fish!"  Tiger and Monkey had waited for this their whole life- OK, it was only 10 minutes but the walk there took 20 so technically- it was forever. I was reminded that prayers are heard but you'd better prioritize them better because you can't always take them back.

I screamed with excitement, "Tiger- you caught a fish!." While I was thinking, "Oh crap! He caught a fish!"

Monkey was bouncing with joy in the other direction while Tiger was up close and personal. The fish started twisting about trying to save itself and startled Tiger. Instinctively he kicked it. I've been on the other end of that foot and found myself wondering if the fish preferred the hook in its mouth. I pulled it out from the bush and opened the tackle box. I suddenly remembered that I had never been fishing by myself before and there was a lot more in that box than I knew what to do with.  My dad gutted my fish right up until I got married and then my husband took over from there. Who was I to deny them their chivalry? 

I put on my garden gloves, grabbed the hook puller outer and attempted to stare my way out of the situation. Tiger was gearing up for another wrestling match and Monkey was eagerly watching. I can do this. No, I can't. I've only watched a firework looking hook be pulled out of trout and this was a worm hook. Furthermore, the "whiskers" on that catfish reminded me of some octopus- like Davy Jones creature threatening me in a deep voice and I realized I wasn't as cool as I thought. I debated letting Tiger kick it again but resisted. I wanted to dive right in- show the kids what was up and have Mr. Zookeeper totally impressed with my skill in addition to the normal hot wife looks. I had paused long enough. So, with the slicing open and gutting out knife in one hand and the hook puller outer in the other, I did what any wife of a fisherman would do. I stood on the fish and cut the line.

I dumped out the fruit snacks and water and convinced Tiger to put the fish in the grocery bag- hook, line sinker and all.   We loaded up and headed back. Tiger was flinging the bag around like a hula hoop and I was once again feeling bad for the marine life- regardless of how awful it looked or what it whispered. While waiting for Tiger to jump through the only mud puddle around (which was a good 50 ft out of the way), Monkey decided to look at the pretty butterflies. "Mom look a cat-" I turned around and thought 'oh crap' once more. (I kept thinking 'oh, crap' so I wouldn't find myself wearing it!) It was not just a pretty house cat- it was a less than pretty skunk and we were in his way. I grabbed Monkey and joined Tiger at the waterhole. I kept my composure so I wouldn't scare the kids- or the human race. Plus I saw what Tiger did to the fish... the skunk would kick back.

The coast was clear and we marched quickly. I couldn't take any more. This outdoor adventure gave more wildlife experience than I had bargained for. Where was the deer and muskrat of previous adventures? I'm carrying the heavy tackle box full of things I would never know how to use plus the pole and uneaten snacks. I am ahead of the kids just trying to keep up the pace when Monkey lets out a blood curdling yell. I turn around and Tiger has once again dropped and kicked the fish. Apparently in all of the swinging and hula hooping, the fish began to "come alive" once more and this time broke through the bag. Should have gone with re-usable instead of recyclable. It wouldn't have been so bad except for the only body part spilling out was the head.

"It's looking at me!" Monkey jumped as if she was on hot coals and Tiger seemed proud and bewildered at his ability to bring things back to life. I carried the bag a few steps and then the fish started his final wrestle. Now I was screaming like a little girl!  If that thing squirms out of there- I will not be able to compose myself. I have had four children and that takes its toll on a woman! I opened the tackle box and made some room.

We raced home.  Monkey was happy to comply while Tiger was content to get his prize of french fries if he hurried. The whole time I was running the fish was knocking at the sides of the box. My overactive imagination took flight. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry so I did a little of both. 

Tiger went straight for the fries and Monkey got a hot dog of her own. They were over the adventure but I was left with a fish and his vengeance. I left the tackle box on the porch and swear I saw it trying to jump its way back towards the river.

I grabbed three garbage bags, the BBQ tongs and a lunch box. The catfish prison was complete with a zipper of iron clad. And just to be safe, I stuffed it in the garage, put a hammer on top to weigh it down and locked the deadbolt. 

So yeah. We caught a fish- no big deal; that's just how we roll...

Puppy goes to school!

It took some convincing but Puppy is finally heading off to school. First, we had to convince me then we had to convince her it would be OK. "Mom, if you don't turn in the papers- then we don't have to go and we can just stay with you always."  Sweet girl, once she realized I would survive without her, she allowed herself to get excited.

Back to school night could not come fast enough. Rhino was also returning to school but he wasn't so excited. Alas, Wednesday pizza day won him over. Puppy, however, was like every other first grader- anxious, excited, worried and talking a mile a minute.

After finding their class rooms and teachers, I took the kids- shopping- all by myself. Only Puppy needed a backpack but of course everyone had to get something. Tiger decided on everything Spiderman- we decided the lunchbox was sufficient. Monkey got a new clearance- marked nightgown, it was purple so the debate was minor. Rhino got Hawaiian shorts- if I'd realized those would be showing up every other morning as favored attire I might have tried to also talk him into a nightgown, green and black of course.  Monkey got her backpack and she was just beside herself. We picked up a few more aisle bargains along the way. Some were good deals, like the Gerber toddler water 6 pack I got for a dollar, just rip the paper off before sending it with a fifth grader. Other items are placed in the cart just to keep up the pace and get out with minimal damage. "They" SO do that on purpose!

We're checking out and Puppy is gabbing to the cashier and the woman behind us and the air around her.  She starts grabbing at her face and doing the familiar pee-pee dance.

 "Puppy, are you OK?" 

"I AM JUST SO EXCITED; I CAN'T HOLD STILL!"

Here yes widened, I was afraid they'd pop out like something only seen before in the cartoons. She started foaming at the mouth and looked hungry for knowledge. I gave her her space and the cashier sensed my urgency for a quick exit. Together we chuckled. I debated getting out the video camera and documenting her reaction to school now so that when she dreads it later I can hit replay. 

The first day of school brought tears for dad. I was fine- I had prepped her and knew my strong girl could take care of herself. Six hours came and went... and boy was it quiet.

"So, how was it?"  Forty five minutes later I rose my hand and asked if I could use the bathroom.

The student helper apparently put her on the wrong bus, so, per my psycho- worry-mom -in case something should happen- instructions- she got off, found an adult and made her way to the proper bus where Rhino was waiting. We were glad it was Puppy- Rhino would have been riding around for hours before someone asked him if he was ever going to get off.

Two weeks into it we are finally adjusting. I am getting used to the quiet days and informative afternoons. I still hate homework just as much, or perhaps more than Rhino. Puppy loves it. Of course she hasn't had any yet but she praying some will come soon...

Never turn your back on a Tiger

"You a scary mom, Mom. You scare all of the people away!"... says the boy wearing nothing but tighty whities dancing on the roof of the truck out front.  He snuck up there while I raced inside to soak my shirt which Tiger randomly decided to test his marker on. There we were drawing chalk princesses and dragons on our driveway when I feel pressure from my neck to my tailbone."Ha- I write on your back!"

Tiger is a hoot. He's exhausting, but hilarious and never boring.

Let's see how the rest of yesterday went:

Wake up to my blinds being open and Tiger trying on my bra. Rescue my underwear to discover he has been up a while and decided to start cooking breakfast. His new favorite number on the microwave is 1000- which equals 10 minutes of cooking time. I save the microwave but cannot resuscitate the sausage or the Styrofoam plate it was melting. Kicked on the fan but had to turn it off to hear what Tiger was yelling.  The dvd we checked-out from the library didn't want to go into the player- so he just gave it a little shove. This is why we don't have nice things and why "borrowing" is never a good idea.

Refixed breakfast and promptly cleaned up the splatters of the now empty bottle of ketchup that was just opened the night before. I mention to Tiger that he may want to go wash his stomach, face, knees, feet and hands off.  He was not around to hear me, but apparently did.

I am still missing my ceiling so the sound of running water really travels... once you figure out what the sound is. I rush upstairs to find him swimming in my garden tub, complete with goggles. He prefers waterfalls to idle lakes and enjoyed helping the water escape onto the floor. After turning off the water, I ran to get some towels. He took advantage of my absence and replenished the drought. "Leave the water off and stop drinking the water- that's not OK!... and give me that bucket- where did you get that from?"

The water was draining and Tiger insisted on using every ounce. Rhino needed help locating his hand me down i-pod  and Tiger's naked bum needed underwear before he started streaking so I made a quick exit. Upon returning, I found Tiger climbing out of the tub- with Rhino's i-pod.

We all got dressed and headed for the van.  "Where's Tiger?"
"He's buckled in his car-seat."
"Does he have shoes on?"
"No."
I run upstairs, through the jungle and up the mountain to relocate shoes (it wouldn't be so bad if shoes didn't have to match all of the time!) Wait, those are Tiger's pants.

Redress Tiger and head across town.  Wait a few minutes in the hotel lobby and Tiger starts riding the luggage rack.  They shouldn't put fun carts with wheels in the doorway of a hotel that rents out their board room to children with sensory disorders. They are just asking for it.

We agree that kung-fu would not be a wise choice to use on the soda machine and twenty minutes later- get invited to our appointment.  Tiger finishes his picture, all the while ignoring the teacher's existence- unless he sees her prize box. He goes ahead and chooses what he wants and yells as if we're performing experimental science on him. He was already wearing his headphones (to block out disturbing sound) and then pulls his goggles out of his pocket.  Why not?

"Oh, I bet he likes the pressure around his head and the fact that they block out some surrounding sights."

"Yeah, that and he just likes goggles."

I became a human jungle gym and calmed the boy down. When I stopped spinning, (again, swivel chairs- not recommended unless spinning is encouraged) Tiger began quoting his latest movie adventure.

"I don't mean to cause offense, but maybe he would be happier somewhere else."

She was very nice about it, and no doubt looking out for his best interest... plus she mentioned they can't be too loud since they are in a hotel and Tiger only has 1 volume and it's stuck on MAX. Tiger was earning french fries and since the session was done, regardless of the fact that my paperwork was returned and I was given another option, he was ready for french fries.

He insists he wants curly fries. We are wedged in the Arby's drive-thru when he spots McDonald's next door. We order curly fries and then get chicken nuggets and fries from the neighbor. Thank goodness for drive-thru's and credit card machines.

We return home- I am tired and it's only 1:00 in the afternoon.

Tiger is watching Tv so I sit down and get some work done... after I talk to the psychologist about his recent test scores and stubbornness.

"Mom, where's Tiger?" Puppy is always looking out for everyone.

"He was upstairs, is he not anymore?"

"I can't find him."

I look all over. Puppy looks all over. Rhino checks the seat next to him and concludes he's not there.

"TIGER!  Where are you?"

He is no where to be found and panic sets in. I am optimist who can quickly imagine the worse things coming true. "Mom, I'll call you right back. TIGER!"

He couldn't have gone outside, I was sitting right there by the door.

I walk out to find Puppy jumping. "Puppy, did you find Tiger?"

She gestures toward the sky.

There sits Tiger on top of the camp trailer in nothing but his underwear, just chilling. "Hi Mom!"

I challenge my fear of heights and pull him down... for the hundredth time this year. It would be easier if the boards placed strategically to block the ladder in attempt to keep Tigers from climbing weren't in my way.

"Tiger, what am I going to do with you?"

With a straight face and in all seriousness, "Get me a snack."

So doctor, like I was saying, I just can't figure out why I am so tired all of the time...

Learning for myself... One step at a time.

I had an amazing experience recently. It started a few weeks, maybe even months ago but finally my feelings came full circle.

I have not been feeling well. In fact, I have been trying to help my liver recover near failure. While researching, because Google knows everything and never lies, I came across a Chinese connection of suppressed anger living in the liver.  Okay, I can handle this.   After all, I am a people-pleaser so I suppress a lot of my own feelings to make others happy. Working on that. I am passionate and so naturally I would feel anger or at least discontent towards things that counter my passions. And, I have been suppressing the desire to scream every time I find ketchup has been returned to the ceiling, under the table and scraped across the wall. I suppress the desires to sometimes have a friendly petting zoo vs a wild animal park.  Mainly, I suppress things I don't know I am suppressing simply because I don't want to give them any attention... I don't have time for things I can't fix so I try not to worry about them (and just blog about them instead).

In addition to swallowing vitamins made from leaves and bark I have begun sitting calmly while chanting sounds and smiling at my liver.  I am a fixer so I will try just about anything that doesn't involve pain!

One thing I couldn't figure out was these episodes of emotion I have been having.  While studying psychology I learned about depression, so naturally, being the dedicated student I started having symptoms. I learned first hand how real depression is and how scary it can be.  While in a depressive state, I feel out of control of my thoughts and think things I am afraid to admit. I feel helpless and I just cry and scream all at once. It can come out of nowhere and disappear just as readily.  I have found I am more prone when tired and easily calmed after resting.  A good foot massage never hurts either. I have been working on my own battle with depression every summer since I am allergic to mosquitoes and just happen to live in a beautifully infested area. I don't go outside much during the warm season yet long to sit under the stars or work in the garden that one of my animals has inevitably tinkered with. Still, I have experienced a new sort of depressed feelings as of lately and wanted to share my experience. Mind you, it is personal and sacred but I share so that hopefully it might help another.

I don't do well alone. Nights mainly, when Mr. Zookeeper has to work out of town. I turn into a pumpkin after 10:00 pm and imagine that the dog barking means someone is coming in and if he's not barking, he's been killed and now they're coming after me.  Exhausting, yes. Last week I had such an experience. I had just been to the doctor and told my liver was really struggling and needed to be addressed with all my attention. Naturally, I started feeling an ache and figured falling asleep would mean I'd never wake up again. Knowing I needed to get in a new, safe and realistic frame of mind, I turned my attention to something else and soon after was able to get some sleep.  And guess what. I didn't die. No, really, in spite of what I was convinced of the night before; everything turned out alright. My laundry pile even increased magically so all was back to normal. I might have had a few more bouts of crazy these last few days that alarmed Mr. Zookeeper.  Sometimes I think he doesn't know whether to hug or slap it out of me but regardless, he is always very patient and understanding. I am generally embarrassed when I come out of my depressed thoughts, because that's not me and I don't like feeling that way. Mr. Zookeeper quickly forgives and I am trying to learn to do the same.

The other night I had similar feelings, yet Mr. Zookeeper hadn't even left yet. In fact, my emotions ruined a perfectly good foot rub! Crying out of nowhere, I asked him to talk... about anything. He immediately complied and started listing facts about computer servers and cables... apparently confusion is a great cure for moments of emotional depression. I snapped out of it but not without causing Mr. Zookeeper to re-consider his plans for his upcoming departure.

The problem was that he had to go. He is overseeing the stone and tile installation of one of the temples being worked on by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and his visit was to deliver the final materials. I could not go along, finals were due and I was already behind so it was decided he would go alone and I would seek help when and if it was needed. I promised. I thought everything was settled until Mr. Zookeeper called the next morning and told me about his night. He had terrible nightmares of arriving on sight. He was awakened all night by a sickening feeling and drove into work confused. I checked my own pulse since I had slept great and felt fine about him leaving... until now!  He said that he just didn't feel right, but it was an eery feeling. After a few phone calls and me evaluating my emotional well-being, I assured him that I would be OK. That said, I worried about his travel or trouble really arising on site.

Mr. Zookeeper contacted his foreman who expressed similar feelings and thoughts but concluded it was the adversary trying to thwart progress. Mr. Zookeeper agreed that he had not felt comforted in the decision to come and stay be me but also he couldn't bring himself to continue the drive with such dark feelings. I believe that one of Satan's tactics in destroying families is by getting inside of a mother's head and telling her she is useless.  These are realizations that I had been working on coming to terms with but now I saw my conflict in a new light.  By encouraging feelings of doubt and fear, I was becoming a worry to my husband.  The adversary is cunning and I have no doubt that he would use anyone to fulfill his own purpose.  He does not want the work to go forward. A temple, a House of God is not good business for the evil mastermind and he will throw out every trick he can.

I had the realization come to me that through me, Satan was trying to keep the final material from arriving.  I did not know it, Mr. Zookeeper had not known it but we both felt the confirmation of its truth simultaneously. I did not recognize the person crying and wailing of doubt.  That is because it was not me, I was overcome by darkness. That same darkness sought to confuse my husband and others.  As we discovered this plot, we instantly felt renewed and Mr. Zookeeper felt he could continue. After going about my morning, I felt a huge burden lifted from my shoulders. I wanted to cry but this time out of happiness. I felt saved, even if only temporarily by a higher power. And the best part is- I'm not crazy!

Some may not believe in the things I have said but I bear my witness to the truthfulness of the gospel and God's plan for each of us. I couldn't restrain. I called Mr. Zookeeper to share my new energy and he too felt instantly lifted. Before I was used to delay progress and now I was being used to move it forward. I gained a respect for the pioneers and people of scriptural times as they expressed feelings of joy in times of trials. My trials are not over, I am not healed and nothing is final until the building is dedicated but I feel like I am not just battling an emotion or feeling but it is a bigger fight. A war against evil which we know goodness will overcome in the end. I issued a warning of safety, I don't know what kind of power Satan has in blowing tires and found myself recalling the words of "Onward Christian Soldiers" as I not-so silently sang along.

While discussing things over with Mr. Zookeeper, I came to another realization. This time about Tiger. I have always been counseled to raise Tiger as a righteous warrior. Apparently all of that fight in him will be put to use. He is generally a ball of fire and never lacking in energy. These last few months he has been very tame. I attributed it to my illness and mercy from heaven. Today I felt that mercy explained, even if just briefly. Tiger is a special spirit and the adversary can't use him.

This made me think about all of the fellow moms out there with special children, or even just children in general as they are all special to our Heavenly Father. Dealing with special needs and the everyday chores that come with it can be tiring, even depressing. God knows these children are special but so does scratch.  The only way to get to them is through us, their mothers. By making us feel defeated and unworthy, he is attempting to steer us away from raising righteous warriors!  We cannot allow him to do that! Heavenly Father sent us our children with a purpose for them and for us. Maybe it is to teach us patience, kindness, long suffering or endurance- and maybe it is to raise them to defeat the power of darkness in the last days. My dad once proposed the question, "Is it more difficult to grow up and become a prophet or to be the mother raising him?"  I encourage us all to think outside the box when we are battling our demons as mothers.

Remember that we have strength to do what we have been called to do and that angels will accompany us. Sometimes I think those very angels are the ones I am trying to raise. When we are feeling down, defeated and overall depressed, consider where the feelings are coming from. If there are things we need to change then we should act accordingly and with all our soul. But, we should not forget that our duty as mothers and our capabilities pose a threat to the opposing side. Look to our strengths instead of weaknesses and realize the women that God has designed us to be!  We are incredible!

I learned that not everything is always as it seems. I believe that my health problems are real and not just imaginary and that ailments, symptoms and feelings will continue due to my state. Still, I don't believe that has to be the whole picture. I do not have all of the answers nor do I claim to be perfect, though I would never deny it to Mr. Zookeeper if he chooses to believe he married the perfect woman. I simply know, with all of my heart that God loves me and that He wants me to be happy. Feelings contrary do not come from him. Even when I am unsure of the reasons or outcomes of all things, I always feel comforted in knowing Heavenly Father's spirit with me.  When I do not feel that comfort, I am to recognize it for what it is and seek to dismiss it immediately.

The work of the temple is rolling forward. This experience has been amazing, frightening, enlightening and incredible all at once. I am sure many stories could be told of how righteousness prevails and the work of God cannot be stopped. Journals are filled with stories about pioneers building the kingdom. No one said you had to be pull a handcart to take part...

It's raining, it's pouring- but the man isn't snoring

Midnight. Technically it was Wednesday but we were just going to sleep in attempt to end Tuesday when Mr. Zookeeper came rushing up the stairs and announced we had a problem.

I hurried after him to find our main floor living room was being flooded.  Water was seeping through the ceiling at various points and coming heavily by way of the ceiling fan. Mr. Zookeeper, being the awesome man that he is, took control and told me what I needed to assist in.  After killing all power to the room, we began what would turn into our middle of the night date. Geez, what some couples will do to be alone!

I grabbed towels and buckets while Mr. Zookeeper reached up and grabbed at broken pieces of sheet-rock taking no prisoners.  I am a fan of waterfalls but never really planned what to do with one in my living room. I suddenly had empathy for chicken little as I held my hands over my head and ducked about the room trying to avoid getting rained on or side swiped by the falling sheets.The culprit was a pipe that came detached from the upstairs bath. It was rather miraculous that the damage stayed where it did and didn't harm any furniture, walls or fuses. Instantly we saw this untimely incident as an opportunity to put in the additional recessed lighting we'd been talking about for years. We considered the possibility of remodeling the bath plumbing to accommodate upgrades in the future and I secretly imagined the draining carrying over into the dining room where we would be forced to pull down sections of ceiling that just happened to house splats of ketchup that I haven't been able to get to lately. Hey, when one door closes...

Mr. Zookeeper decided we needed fans. I decided it would be better for him to go to the store while I stayed back and cleaned up.  First off, I had absolutely no idea what to get. Second I am a big scaredy cat and don't go outside after dark. Fortunately, he knows me well enough that I only had to admit to the first reason.

My handy dandy Rug Doctor proved useful yet again.  I worked away soaking up gallons of water from beneath my feet. Mingled with sheet rock and plaster, I had the broom swiping away to break the material from the water so as not to block my filters.  Debris was everywhere.  My handy dandy Dyson also proved his usefulness.  I was able to get most of the loose particles cleaned up by the time Mr. Zookeeper came back. Here's what I love about him. He handled the situation without a single temper flare. There were no harsh words used or imagined. He simply went to work. He re-dressed to run to our handy dandy 24 hour Wal-mart and upon returning, he brought me Del-Taco. Yes, he did.  We laid down some towels and took a taco break. We laughed a little and then I sat on the couch while Mr. Zookeeper got on his hands and knees and proceeded to use the tool attachment for maximum suction. Three hours and several gallons of water later, we turned on the fans and retired to our beds.

Note to self. In the event of a ceiling caving in; the wild animals don't awake.  However, they are very unforgiving when morning comes and you are still making up for lost sleep. Puppy wakes me exasperated that I will never believe what happened downstairs! Tiger has already decided that Dad did it. Dad took away our ceiling and if it wasn't him- then it must have been the giant crab! Monkey was quietly trying to make sense of it all and Rhino looked puzzled as if wondering, no doubt, how this was going to affect his breakfast schedule.

Mr. Zookeeper headed off to work and had the whole project handled. The next day disaster clean up came out and pointed out the remaining hidden wet spots. (FYI:  mold sets in within 48 hours so you need to get it all out right away.)  Mr. Zookeeper stripped the wood of its carpet covering and the girls and I helped haul away the remaining sheet-rock. Rhino held the door open.  Tiger was beside himself.  We took down the TV.  A friend came over a few days later and helped Mr. Zookeeper strip the floors and ceilings. By the time the insurance handler came out, Mr. Zookeeper had the room all ready to be put back together. What a guy.

That all happened one week ago.  Soon, I will have a new floor and ceiling.  There will be more light in the room and the family television screen can be returned to its proper place. All will be right with the world once more... at least as well as one can expect when living in the jungle. I find it odd that for years I have been scrubbing that carpet due to calls of nature from a certain potty training drop-out and the random spills and drills of household living.  Not once did I imagine, "Hey, I bet someday we come down at midnight, grab some tacos and rip the whole room up."  And to think, my kids had absolutely nothing to do with it!  I'm still trying to wrap my head around this one...

The strength of the tortoise...

I cry everyday. In fact, I cry multiple times a day. I cry with relief when I feel good and I cry out of weakness when I feel tired. I cry with delight when I can make dinner and I cry in appreciation when someone shows up with a meal for my family.  I am very emotional these days but in a good way. I have felt so much love from friends and strangers. Most importantly, I have felt my loving Savior with every word, hug and casserole dish. I have had people helping with my animals, feeding time and several have offered to clean our stalls!  It must be love for a friend to want to wipe your commode! And yes, I cried during that too.

A few months back, Puppy was really afraid of a pounding rainstorm. When the science lessons failed, I tapped into my fairy tale genes and informed her that Heaven just left it's sprinklers on!  She was fine after that. Two days ago, I was tearing up and Monkey asked me if I left my sprinklers on.  Yes, baby, I'm afraid I blew a fuse and they are stuck on automatic.

After a full month of resting and eating healthy and doing- well- basically nothing, I found out that my body is responding to the treatment though very slowly.

I am out of the exhaustion phase but my energy level is at a 0 and my reserve is at a 1- so DOC highly recommended I do absolutely nothing to exhort energy or stress myself out physically, emotionally or mentally to keep from falling back into the exhaustion phase. Apparently he does not subscribe to my blog.

He said that my GENERAL ADAPTATION is way off and my body is eating itself to try and stay alive (nice mental picture). Explained: when we get a little stressed... or see a bear coming at us, we go into fight or flight mode. We can only stay in that ALARM STAGE for a very short time and then we move into a RESISTANCE STAGE so that we can keep running. During this phase the body adapts to the stressors it is exposed to. This is where our body uses up what's extra to maintain our pace- however, if the bear keeps chasing us and we keep running- we reach EXHAUSTION mode and the body does whatever it takes to survive- including breaking apart organs.

I have been chased, so to speak, for quite some time because the only thing keeping my body from shutting down is the constant nutrients I have been giving it. Nearly all of my organs are operating at a 1/4 of their performance level, shutting down one by one. So, after a month of full vitamins, good nutrition and very little movement/energy exertion- my body has moved from the exhaustion phase and is slowly building the reserve back. I was grateful to hear the good news but a little weary of my slow recovery time.

You see, I used to stop and smell the roses- then I became a zookeeper. You have to move fast to keep up with wild animals and if a naked wild Tiger is escaping, slow and steady does not win any race! However, Tiger, and the rest of us for that matter, are all in a different place now than we were a year ago- even a month ago.  The lord has confirmed to me multiple times that I didn't do anything wrong and I'm not being punished. I believe that.  I do need to learn to "let go" of a few more things but sometimes wonder if I let go of one more thing- I'll have to start charging admission as my house really will resemble a jungle.  Alas, the lord does not give us anything we cannot handle. So, whenever I feel weak, I raise my eyes upward and silently (at least I hope it is silently) and assure, "You've got my back, right?"  Then, with all the strength I have for the day I press forward knowing that when I fall to my knees, He is there. Sometimes I fall in earnest prayer and other times it's because I lack the strength to get back on my feet. That's usually when the phone or doorbell rings and my soul's sprinklers switch back on.

Wild animals are only fierce when playing or feel threatened.  Mine are no different. I have been read to by my Rhino, had my hair combed by my Puppy, sang songs with my Monkey and got served many plates of french fries by my Tiger. Mr. Zookeeper has been our glue and my full time, on-call plumber. You must always be careful around wild animals and the birds aren't always singing with the mice as they weave me a dress for the ball. There have been plenty of chants and war-cries; one time I heard the kids plotting to offer me up as a sacrifice to the volcano. There are messes and spills and undone chores (I've always cried a little over that- so that's not anything new) but most hours of the day we find ourselves enjoying the time by the waterhole. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight"- this song is my new happy place. My children and I have always shared these kinds of moments but now they happen much more frequently and with minimal distraction. Rhino is sensitive and doesn't want to leave me alone, hanging back when the others go off to play. Tiger's guardian angel is pulling on his tail and he has slowed down a little for me catch up; though he is getting way too used to reaching high shelves without me getting to him quick enough to refrain him picking out only the orange fruit snacks from all 42 pouches and sending the rest to their burial. Puppy has helped me with chores and everything imaginable and Monkey has given me hugs and full rights to play with whatever Barbie I choose.

Life is full of choices but this one is already decided. If I am to get better, healthy enough to resume my Zookeeper duties, I am going to have to get in touch with my inner tortoise. Every animal has its strengths and weaknesses. Lucky for me- I have a hard shell.  My body gives me grief but it has always served as the perfect vehicle my spirit needs for this earthly experience.  In this time of trial, I have been able to slow down, reflect more and I strongly feel that I will be better because of it. This experience is allowing me to care for myself in ways that I have not been able to do in a long time. It is not easy for me and I cry a lot over that too. I am being molded and blasted and while the finished piece will be beautiful (or at least I'm hoping to survive it all to find out), it hurts to be cut and sanded, even if it is for just a short while. I am reminded that balance in all things is necessary and that life is to be enjoyed and not just endured. Sometime this is easier said than done. My body is in survival mode because that's usually what we're doing around- just trying to survive. And it's hard for me to always be on the receiving end when I so much want to be able to help others. But, we must care for ourselves if we are to care for others. Finally, we are never alone and what I can't do, I know others will (for myself and those I cannot help). Heavenly Father sends who he needs to do his work.

 I am so grateful to the many kind- hearted people who have answered my pleas to heaven. I am being taught what it means to bear one another's burdens that they might be light. I could not rise if I didn't know there were angels ready to help carry me.  I am grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who pushes us to be better and holds our hands as we walk forward on a path we can't always see. God is great. And the same God who has the power to move mountains, has the power to heal my body and shape my soul. I know this to be true and I know that strength comes in different forms. The world stops for no one, but in this leg of my race, I'm going to try harder to see things from the tortoise's perspective and enjoy the beauty that comes along with it...

All shook up.

It has been a humbling few weeks. I try to stay as independent as I can. Not because I don't like others to help me, but because I cannot rely on that. Truth is, if I could ring a bell for service it'd be going off like a broken alarm clock!  But, everyone is fighting a hard battle and sometimes we just have to roll up our sleeves and take care of the business at hand.

Mr. Zookeeper was playing chaperone to a group of boy-scouts doing an over-night camp out. Puppy was up all night coughing and throwing up. There's no tag team or passing of the baton when you are the only one on the track field- so- I did what every mother does when they have a sick child. I couldn't take the pain away so I held her in my arms and caught her puke in my hands.

Morning comes whether you've slept or not. I've spoken many times with mother nature and father time but I've yet to control either. (Though I will not give up trying)  Very tired, I went slowly about my morning and watched the clock hoping my persistence would alarm the garage door open and in would pop my saving grace. Lunch came and went and I needed to lay down. One should never leave a Tiger walking around outside his cage so I pondered on my options. Hesitantly, I dialed a friend and asked if she would be home for a few hours and if she wouldn't mind tending a Tiger so I could close my eyes. She accepted the challenge and I loaded up the zoo-van.

I no sooner dropped off my wild animal when I had a dreaded but oh so familiar feeling come over me. My neck filled with heat and my right arm began to shake. Not again, I thought. I reached into my purse and before turning the corner chewed up a glucose tablet. The shakiness seized and the energy crash took over. Once home, I tried to eat some protein and level out my sugar. To no avail, the shakiness persisted. I ate more, drank more and began to fear the worse. I had been dealing with hypoglycemia attack symptoms sometimes 2-3 times a week recently but I always managed to handle them. This one, though, was not letting up. I always let someone know when I am having an attack so that I nor my children are alone. I rose to my feet in attempt to go get a neighbor but felt very faint. I called to Rhino to run and get the neighbor mom.  Most Rhino's charge in an emergency. Not mine. After debating about whether or not he needed shoes- I persuaded him to hurry. I watched him out the window feeling weaker and less conscience by the second. When the designated neighbor did not answer, Rhino stood there not knowing what to do. I made my way out front and signaled for him to go to the next house.  Because this door was hidden from my front porch- I had to butt scoot down the front steps and out on the grass to give him further direction.

By the time Rhino reached the third house, my neighbor came out from behind his fence. Already dressed in bright pajamas and impersonating a Starburst wrapper, I was afraid that I might not be very decent as I sprawled out across the concrete in order to keep consciousness. I requested my neighbor retrieve his wife and by the time she came, Rhino had gotten help from another neighbor.  These poor men had to straddle a grown a woman who was face planted on the porch. I knew it was a lot to ask at the time but had little control of the situation.  The security cameras Mr. Zookeeper installed last month provided a now-comical replay of the whole event.

By the time one neighbor came, all three showed up and my body was beyond my control. I knew something had to be done but I didn't know what to do to rectify the situation. My sweet neighbors anxiously tried to get a hold of my husband with no luck and provide for me every little thing I could I ask for. A friend with a background in nursing (whose sweet wife was also watching my Tiger) provided some direction over the phone and rushed to my side. My body seized up and I was shaking from head to toe. Was it a seizure?  I don't know. Was I scared?  Absolutely.

I was able to compose myself and then the dry heaving began.  I have had children and thus lost all dignity years ago but nothing compares to having a house full of friends worrying for your safety. One friend even had to help me use the bathroom- does Hallmark make Thank you cards for that sort of thing?

Not feeling any better, I was driven towards the hospital after pausing to remember when the last time was that I changed my underpants... nobody wants to receive medical attention with dirty underpants on. Luckily, my symptoms subsided enough that I did not feel the need to rush in and cause another scene. Hospitals and I don't get along too well.  After hanging out in the parking lot, being handed over to Mr. Zookeeper who met us on the side of the road and then waiting it out in the Wendy's down the street from the hospital, I felt comfortable enough to return home.

Exhausted was the only feeling I had left in me.  I was even too tired to carry on conversation which you know is serious. I did not know where my children were but trusted Mr. Zookeeper to gather them.

I was humbled to have so many people rush to my aid (and not mention whether or not they saw my rear end) but even more humbled by the days that followed.  One friend took my kids over night so Mr. Zookeeper could focus on me (trying hard not to be tempted to make this habit) and then she kept them all the next day. Mr. Zookeeper reluctantly had to leave town for work but I was never alone. The same friend who had just returned my children showed up and started sweeping my floor. Without hesitation, she assisted me in stabbing my finger (I hate pulling the trigger) to check my blood sugar and then took care of the dishes. She paused long enough to answer the door to two dear friends who brought me freezer food. As I visited with them, my friend answered the phone to speak with one of my concerned neighbors who was preparing to come sleep on my couch while my husband was away. As soon as two friends left and the phone was hung up, another friend showed up with dinner for the night.

My kids had so much fun at their sleepover that they all piled in to the van and went back to play some more. Mr. Zookeeper had a delayed flight so he came home for the night. We picked up the kids and I enjoyed the visit and trip out of the house.

The next morning came and the kids had already been spoken for. While I felt better, I was still not great and knew the kids would have more fun playing than watching mom be sick on the couch. Dinner was being brought in to me so that I didn't have to worry about feeding myself. I do not like to receive help- I much prefer giving it but when it comes to my family- I know how to accept help when I need it.  I needed the help and was very grateful to everyone.

I no sooner finished my hair when I felt shaky all over again. I grabbed my supplies and ran to the neighbor so I wouldn't have an attack alone. She graciously spared her couch and called yet another friend to give me a ride to the doctor.  This was getting ridiculous and I needed professional help.

I was not able to get much help that day from the doctors. As was my diagnosis two years ago (after dozens of tests and over $5,000.00) my verdict was that I remained a mystery patient.  I was given another referral and told to drink my orange juice for relief.

I could not be disheartened. I was bombarded with love from so many people and I never felt alone. I prayed. I prayed in thanks and I prayed in earnest desire to know how to help my body.

I scheduled an appointment with a kinesiologist (Google it if you're unaware, but keep an open mind) and felt hopeful that the miracle they worked with my Tiger when he was born deformed could be worked on me as well. Any answers, any help would be better than repeating the unknown.

Two days passed and I woke up to an infected eye. Really? On one hand I didn't want to get anyone else sick since so many people were involved but on the other, I just didn't want to deal with any more doctors. The same friend who planned the sleepover and swept my floor called to see if I needed anything from the store. Eye drops maybe? I felt so dumb for telling her my new ailment and found myself just wishing I wasn't so needy. She did not just get me drops for irritation. Instead, she went to friend and neighbor of hers who is an eye doctor and got a prescription that would kill any bacteria and infection I might have going on. I hugged her. I hadn't showered yet so I am not sure that was the best payment but I didn't know what else to do. Crying only made the goop worse and I just didn't have words.

This is a very long post- but it was a very long week. I woke up one afternoon from a nap to find my downstairs had been cleaned and smelled of lemons. Another day I woke to find my lawns mowed. I could not keep from falling asleep mid day because I had no energy but desperately wanted to catch the cleaning fairies in action to prove they existed.

My appointment came (just 5 days after my initial scare) and I was anxious. Of course three minutes before I was to load up the van I felt the shakes come on. I can't drive when I am unsure of my safety so I sucked it up and called my neighbor for a ride- yes, another neighbor who had also brought me dinner the night before.

The hour visit went well. I was impressed but overall relieved to finally have some answers. Here is the note I shared with my wondering friends and the gist of what the Doc had to say... though mind you we went overtime and he still didn't get to all of my issues:

"I have a cranial imbalance associated with neurological cross-wiring. Basically, my body is in survival mode- it is not absorbing the nutrients it needs to maintain health. It is affecting my nervous system and skeletal system- which basically means- when our bodies aren't working properly, something has to give and that's what my body is giving up. I have some issues with my liver that we'll hopefully be able to heal and my body is only getting 25% of the glucose I am feeding it and even less protein (hence the neurological cross wiring). Naturally, my metabolism is struggling. I have some insulin resistance that may need to be addressed later but for now we're working on restoring the most basic needs. This has all contributed to the many problems I have been having over the years. My doctor compared it to filling up the gas tank every day and still having no gas because it's leaking out and there's no fuel getting in. So the body runs on empty and uses every drop it possibly can- and when it can't access any fuel, it shakes to let you know it's empty. I don't know much about cars but I do know when the little red light goes on- I'd better hurry and get to a station :) I am being treated through vitamins and nutrition so we can patch up all the tiny holes and hopefully my body will respond quickly. I went overtime on my appointment so we only discussed how to treat symptoms for now (to keep me from having more attacks) and later we'll discuss the main contributors/causes to my "leaking tank".

I feel very blessed to not only have some answers but to be on the path to restoring my body's health. I appreciate all of your time and service to me and my family!

The Lord does not send heavenly angels when the ones on earth can accomplish his work- I feel very humbled to have been blessed with so many personal angels- you have saved my life in more ways than one and [we] love you for it- Thank you all!"

Two weeks have passed. Last week was very eventful (look for my next post to describe our trip to New York) but I was able to get rest as I took naps everyday (fun date) and focus on me and my needs.  Mr. Zookeeper has been amazing and the children have been very forgiving. I am still weak and have to pay close attention to my body but I feel blessed in so many ways that I cannot stop the tears of joy from flowing down my cheeks.  I am emotional as I think about what changes I need to make. I have a demanding life and wrestle with wild animals, especially a Tiger, every day. That will not change but I know that the Lord will give me strength. He has lifted me up so many times when my shoulders could carry the burden no more and has always blessed me with what I need.

Two weeks ago I did not feel like my body was my own. I was literally all shook up as my physical being struggled. Now, I am all shook up as I turn my heart to my Savior. I know without a doubt that he is mindful of me and I feel nothing that he has not already experienced. He knows my heart, my mind and my body and through him, I receive more strength everyday.  I am grateful not only to have this knowledge but to be a part of an organized religion. Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints means that we literally take the name of Christ upon us. To become like Him we must act as he would. I had many neighbors come to my aid, but through this great and marvelous organized religion, I had a network of sisters by my side though my immediate family lives miles away.

"Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." Mathew 25

Sometimes we rescue and sometimes we need rescuing.  I may tame and train animals all day everyday but even the most determined zookeeper has limitations. That's where the most heavenly and life-changing moments happen.  I would rather know my neighbors under less intimate terms but have never felt so close to them as I did when they rescued me. Receiving help or having weaknesses does not make us less of a person. On the contrary, it makes us human and in need of our Savior...  

Just hanging with the shelf

When Mr. Zookeeper goes out of town, I like to have projects to keep me busy. Back in November I chose the girls' room as my blank slate. I painted it pink and brown- only the pink looked like Pepto! I love the anti-diarrhea medicine just as much as the next person but not all over my little girls' room... especially paired with the brown. I did not like where this theme was going. I added some white swirls and some multicolored flowers. Then I painted a lot more flowers and then a few more. One of these nights I will lay in there and count each one but for now let's just say there are more than hundred.

Monkey loves to play with toys. It took me four kids to get one that actually plays with toys but she loves them all. I can't bear to get rid of things when she plays with it just on account of cleaning the room. Yes, this probably explains why I spend so much time cleaning up but that is besides the point. Monkey needed a place for eight years worth of toy compilation plus her own loot.  And Barbie doesn't just come as a single- no-she has her sisters, cousins and friends of her second cousins to accompany her... and all of their accessories. Let's not forget the Disney princesses.  She does not have nearly the pile of toys that some have- but she has enough to keep her busy for a few hours.

I looked at so many ideas online. My bedrooms have walk-in closets that are plenty big and I hate to waste space. I didn't want to use valuable play area to host a toy box or shelf. We don't have any dressers in our house due to the habits of a certain destructive and dangerous Tiger so I set out to transform the closet. For the record- I did see a really cool Ferris Wheel/pulley system that stored unused toys on the ceiling- it was amazing. Mr. Zookeeper shot that idea down but it's just as well because I probably would still have toys all over the floor and a Tiger, Monkey and Puppy on the ceiling in their place.

It worked. The bottom half holds baskets of clothes. The wooden shelves stick out two feet so the girls can stand on them to reach the wire shelf above that holds their toys. After getting the initial clothing shelves built- I held back my nagging. At least the room could get cleaned even though it wasn't completely finished.  Fast forward six months and many messes later. The girls desperately needed another shelf for their toys so that they could stay better organized and Monkey wouldn't feel as much need to dump everything looking for that one purple doll shoe.

I couldn't nag. I just couldn't!  So I got out the shelving I purchased months ago and left in the walk way as a hint. Mr. Zookeeper is no longer phased by my insanity so he just put everything out of the way. After quizzing him via instant chat and relocating all of my pieces- I turned to You Tube to learn how to cut my wire shelving. The Australian man made bolt cutters look so fun but alas, I had to use the hack saw. After consulting Google images to learn which tool was identified by that name- I set to work.  Can we just take a minute to say a prayer of gratitude for the internet? Thank you.

I found some nifty safety goggles and didn't want to miss out on looking like I knew what I was doing. Safety. Check. I found a bag of manure and a plastic tote in the garage and together they served well as a work bench. A little elbow grease and I was ready to make my own you tube demonstration. Maybe another day- I had a job to do.

Puppy and I set to installing the wire shelves. The easiest way I could see to do it was to put the shelf in the closet and draw a line to follow. I could have You-Tubed again, but I was already upstairs. YES- I used a level- Mr. Zookeeper has managed to convert me there (as long as I can find it). The shelf was just a little bit too long- I swear I measured!  However, with just the right amount of force- everything looked good... hmm.. Forgot a pencil- "Hey Puppy, hand me that pen." Yeah. You shouldn't draw a big line across your wall until you're sure it'll come off or get covered. Oh well- grab me a screw driver.

The first three back clips looked even, I don't know what happened to the other three. That's OK though because the new holes covered up two of the three wrong ones. Yip. Looking good- I so got this. Had to stop what I was doing twice to go answer the front door. Rhino insisted someone was knocking. Yeah, that would be me with my hammer.

Note to self, don't close the latches until after installing the shelf. But, if you should forget, always have a box of band-aids handy so you don't have to wait for Puppy to run downstairs and get you one after ripping your fingernail off. Also, the end of the screwdriver works much better than your nail and hurts a lot less.

Done and done. Force that shelf in one more time; secure the support brace. Here's where I breathed a deep sigh and pictured the moment that Mr. Zookeeper would see what I had done and be so proud. High five Puppy and take a step back to get the whole view.

What was under my foot?  Oh a bag- I will throw that in the garbage as soon as I'm done admiring my handiwork. Oops- it wasn't empty. Instead it housed the end brackets. Maybe I didn't need them- maybe they were unnecessary. No matter how I tried to talk myself into it- I had Mr. Zookeeper in my brain. I knew I had to put them on. OK- no problem- I'd just lift off the shelf and slide them up, screw them in and then get back to my gloating.

That is fine in theory. Remember the wire being just a tad bit too long. Yeah. the added bracket made it officially too long. I didn't like cutting the wire the first time!  Now I was extremely envious of the Australian. I was not about to go cut off 1/2 an inch on four thick wires. My new found muscles proved helpful and I got the first side down. You might recall how I related my strength to the hulk. Indeed. The first side went in because the other side poked into the drywall. There was no way out and I knew I would be laughed at when I explained to Mr. Zookeeper what the extra holes were used for.

Also, I now understand why the home-builder cut his wires a little short... I figured he was worse at measuring than me but turns out he probably knew what he was doing. Sorry about that.

I retrieved my hacksaw. Too much movement caused scraping against the wall so I was forced to saw in a 1 inch by 1 inch space. My raw knuckles still made an indent but not compared to the tool. I tried to speed it up, get a different angle or at least position my hand better. After 30 minutes of tiny back and forth motions with nearly nothing to show for it I considered purchasing my own bolt cutters or perhaps ripping out the entire wall. Alas, I learned my lesson of shortcuts and went back to sawing. I made up my own song to pass the time and finally broke the shelf loose with most of the wall in tact. Tiny hole- won't even notice it with the right baskets of toys in front.

I took to the garage to use my ingenious set up but was either stronger or more frustrated because I wasn't paying attention to the rest of the wire and unleashed the titans. The bag of manure was shredded and as I stood off of the pile it sprung up and dumped down the front of me. Now it was time for business. I stood on the tote and anchored the shelf with my feet. Ankle deep in the dirty perfume I bent over using my whole body weight to make the final cuts. Done. I stood high and removed my safety goggles to reveal what little white was left on my face. After receiving ridicule from the children about the smell; I headed back to my construction site.

Amazing. With the shelf the right size, everything just fell into place. The remaining brackets were installed and secured everything down. I carefully took a step back this time so as not to stumble across any missing parts. The shelf was officially ready for duty.

So it didn't go as smoothly as planned but I did learn a few things. The wooden closet shelf will not break with the girls standing on it because I spent a good four hours up there and never fell once. Independence is nice but nagging has its benefits too. Now I can get the toys organized and put away and I may have found a new spot for hide and seek. I can identify and effectively work a hacksaw regardless of the space and I learned there is more than one way to open a bag of manure...