We have a lot of supernatural powers running through our house. While I have always noticed it in my spectacular one in a million children, I just recently realized that I, too, have an additional talent.
I always knew I could scare monsters out of closets and from underneath beds. I was schooled in my abilities to run faster than Flash Gordon himself when the need would arise. I have learned to speak fact and Barbie and puppy. I know how to whip up nine different meals in under thirty minutes and me and my sidekick, Rug Doctor make a powerful duo.
What I didn't know was that my whole life I have been a shape shifter.
I just finished a quaint little story that involved a gate keeper named Amos. Typically, he was a large muscular man but when the situation got heated, he shape shifted into a bear- and the larger the fury the larger the bear.
This is the point where we all reflect on the many times that we have shown our much hairier, perhaps more beastly side. I myself have many. Some I laugh at, others I duck and cover from.
The trick to my power is that I can shape shift into whatever is expected of me. Perhaps rather than turning into a ferocious bear, I would be better recognized as a chameleon.
This has often worked well for me. I know who I am, I have my morals and beliefs but I avoid confrontation like the plague and find it easier to blend than to stand out- unless I am walking through Wal-Mart with all four kids and someone happens to get upset. Then, I prefer to stand out- BIG TIME.
Now, this post can be read many different ways and interpreted into even more. Really, it is just about self discovery and being comfortable in my own skin.
I used to think that I had to be more like Jane and be more assertive, maybe even just showing up and start cleaning someone's bathroom against their protest because it was for the greater good of mankind. I needed to be more like Sue and always have my kids properly and cutely dressed as opposed to just feeling accomplished that everyone had on clean underwear, or underwear at all. (And by the way, my kids are never dressed like little Catalog models- I just feel like they should be when I'm around Sue). I beat myself up because I couldn't always say what I wanted the way that Betty did. For the record, I do not know a Jane, Sue or Betty specifically, but there are many wonderful women whom I admire that can fit into some of these boots, high heals and running shoes.
Then, something wonderful happened. I got tired. I could no longer hold back the tears and my emotion took over. I didn't speak boldly or matter of factually but I spoke straight from the heart. I was sitting in an IEP meeting (Individual Education Plan- for Special Education) and I knew what I wanted to say but I couldn't find the right tone or voice. I was trying to channel Jane because she told me exactly what I needed to say, even though her advice was unsolicited. I tried to appear like Sue and Betty's knowledge and forthcoming just wasn't getting transmitted. All of the sudden, it was me speaking. I felt vulnerable and honest and confused and I know I was rambling! And do you know what? I was heard. Not so much the rambling part, but my intent was heard along with all of my emotion. The feeling and direction of the meeting took a direct change and we all left feeling like we had actually accomplished something. I was even thanked!
I am soft, gentle, strange, weird, loud at times and silly. I like to swing at the park, not just push my kids- and I have taught them how much fun it is to give mommy a push or boost when her post baby legs don't work so well. I am smart yet timid with things I don't understand. I like to dance. I enjoy hot cocoa and ice cream. I enjoy calculated risk and adventure. I love a good cheesy chick flick and cannot stand the least bit of violence- it gives me nightmares. I hold tightly to my beliefs but am not good at sharing them amongst opposition. I can talk to anyone when I feel comfortable and actually want to talk. I like being alone and I like being with others. I am most comfortable in jeans and a t shirt and I like to shop at thrift stores to get more for my money. I care a great deal about my hair and do not like to empty the dishwasher. I am an avid learner and I rarely, very rarely ever stop talking!
So, what I want to tell you, my sons and daughters (literally- I write this blog for my kids to read because my journal is off limits until I'm dead) is that it is OK to be yourself. Learn who you are and accept it. It will work for you better than you ever imagined. Rhino- you talk in facts. Go with it buddy! There are tons of educated people out there looking for some good conversation and the rest of all enjoy learning from you because you are so much more animated than the encyclopedia. Tiger- you are already know and own it. Nobody can ever touch your style and personality because you won't let them. You are an example to me, though I do believe the world would appreciate me keeping my clothes on. Puppy- You are a natural leader and empathizer- I totally just made that word up- but your are! Do not be afraid to be who you are. When you are scared- share it and when you are happy- share it. You do not need to live in any one else's shadow because you have a light all your own. Monkey- you know you look good, don't ever let anyone tell you that pink cannot go with any color. You are stubborn and decisive. Recognize it but don't apologize for it. It is that same attitude that helped save your life at birth. You are a rockstar, don't be afraid of your power.
To all of my children, find out your own unique gifts and unwrap them. Use them and wear them out. Use your talents to bless your life and the lives of others. Be good and remember who are a child of God. Be humble and ever learning but only shape shift as you desire, not because you are desperate to blend in. It is a blessing and a pleasure to be your mother and to watch you on your road to discovery. I am not perfect and occasionally try to mold you into my ideal but fortunately our Heavenly Father knows better and blessed you with talents of your own. I am realizing that I don't want you to think like I do or simply do as I do (unless you are doing the laundry in which case jump in), I want you to learn how to think for yourself and the best way to do that is to know your strengths and weaknesses. I want you to shape shift into the best possible you because there is great freedom in being exactly who you are...
12.13.2013
10.11.2013
Autism for Life
Turns out that my children do not flush toilets regardless of what state they reside in. In general, it is safe to assume that none of us are ever done learning and thus never quite grow up; though I do hope all can one day learn the sacred ritual of the tiny magical handle. Alas, new places bring with it new experiences.
Rhino just turned twelve. I cried for a minute, checked for gray hairs and then I went back to raising my first born. One of the challenges that we have had in relocating is the school system. Not good or bad, just a change and with that comes adjustment. On the autism spectrum, Rhino would be considered more higher-functioning, however, I would not recommend suggesting this "label" to his often tired mother. Rhino was mainstreamed according to the requirement to place children in "the least restrictive environment". Unfortunately, in my experience, a least restrictive school environment has meant more work for me. I will not relent on details but will suffice in saying that getting Rhino through each school year has been a full time occupation for his parents. This year has proved no different but we are pleased to lean on the blessings of a merciful Heavenly Father who only gives us what we can handle and sends angels to carry us when we need help to fly.
Rhino has never really shown an understanding that he has autism. We have told him but it never meant anything to him as it was beyond his comprehension. With the surprise enrollment in middle school, I felt it important to discuss with him again why he might be having hard time. We role-played what things might look and seem like to other kids versus himself. I knew that he was going to need as many tools and weapons as he could carry in that brain of his and that every day I would have to help him put on the armor to battle the world around him. I could not go to school with him (not for lack of trying, apparently there are age limits) so every morning I try to prepare him with a plan. It has not been easy and we are far from winning the war of homework but we are content with handling each battle as it comes whether it calls us to advance or retreat. With the help of a loving Heavenly Father and few select teachers, Rhino is never alone.
This morning Rhino asked me why he has a permanent hall pass and not everyone else. I referred to the day that he received detention for getting caught in a tardy sweep. In discussing his difficulty in organizing himself, the principal and resource teacher felt it appropriate that he be given a pass that allows him the extra time he needs to get to class even when it is difficult for him. I never want to lie to my children though I think there are times and places to have certain conversations and other times and places to leave it alone. I was prompted to proceed.
I explained once again that his brain thinks a little differently and things that are easy to him might be hard for someone else and vice versus. I revisited the feelings of joy and sadness that come with raising a child with special needs who often does not understand what I am teaching, regardless of the repetition and I chose my words and tone carefully. We have many conversations about why he plays with sticks instead of people and how it's hard for him to understand or communicate certain things. How, in his eyes, the whole world is good and everyone in it wonderful. Then, something happened.
"Mom, autism is something you are born with, right?"
Clinging to my own personal belief, I answered yes.
"And it's something that I'll have forever?"
I gathered my thoughts and replied, "As long as you have your body, you will have autism. It is a challenge that you have on earth because your Heavenly Father knew you had a special heart and could handle a special brain. So, even though you'll always have it- you can do whatever you want to, you will just have to work harder for some things." I studied his face and as usual inquired as to how that made him feel.
I was not prepared for the answer.
He smiled and said, "Good."
I paused. I had rehearsed many explanations for many answers but this one I had no protocol for. This was one of those 31 flavors type of situations and I didn't know which was better- two scoops or three! I sat in the silence, which for me is HUGE. I waited for him to gather his thoughts and continue.
"Having autism lets me do some really cool things that other people can't do, like making animal sounds and I don't ever want to lose that."
If I wasn't driving to school I would have grabbed him like a cobra and squeezed the guts right out of him!
I kept my hands to myself, but it did not stop me from tearing up and beaming with joy. In our house, we talk a lot about what makes us different makes us special but I didn't know anyone was actually listening. (If you you can hear me now, please flush the toilet!) This whole time I was worried that he would see himself as different and thus not as good but in his own, typically perfect way, he saw it as the complete opposite. Autism was not a bruise or a crutch, it was a super-power!
He was genuinely thrilled to know that he would have autism for life. During tough times I'll need to jump on his bandwagon."I'm glad he's enjoying it so much", she thought sarcastically. But I knew he was right. My twelve year old son reminded me to hear my own preaching and be grateful for the challenges that bless us. Autism never changed our lives, it's always been our lives and in this family- we are full of LIFE!
I wrote a song for my boys when one was newly diagnosed and the other in the process of regressing. Once again the ending has resonated with my soul:
"Spending so much of everything to make you all that you can be, but the most important lessons here are the ones that you're teaching me"...
Rhino just turned twelve. I cried for a minute, checked for gray hairs and then I went back to raising my first born. One of the challenges that we have had in relocating is the school system. Not good or bad, just a change and with that comes adjustment. On the autism spectrum, Rhino would be considered more higher-functioning, however, I would not recommend suggesting this "label" to his often tired mother. Rhino was mainstreamed according to the requirement to place children in "the least restrictive environment". Unfortunately, in my experience, a least restrictive school environment has meant more work for me. I will not relent on details but will suffice in saying that getting Rhino through each school year has been a full time occupation for his parents. This year has proved no different but we are pleased to lean on the blessings of a merciful Heavenly Father who only gives us what we can handle and sends angels to carry us when we need help to fly.
Rhino has never really shown an understanding that he has autism. We have told him but it never meant anything to him as it was beyond his comprehension. With the surprise enrollment in middle school, I felt it important to discuss with him again why he might be having hard time. We role-played what things might look and seem like to other kids versus himself. I knew that he was going to need as many tools and weapons as he could carry in that brain of his and that every day I would have to help him put on the armor to battle the world around him. I could not go to school with him (not for lack of trying, apparently there are age limits) so every morning I try to prepare him with a plan. It has not been easy and we are far from winning the war of homework but we are content with handling each battle as it comes whether it calls us to advance or retreat. With the help of a loving Heavenly Father and few select teachers, Rhino is never alone.
This morning Rhino asked me why he has a permanent hall pass and not everyone else. I referred to the day that he received detention for getting caught in a tardy sweep. In discussing his difficulty in organizing himself, the principal and resource teacher felt it appropriate that he be given a pass that allows him the extra time he needs to get to class even when it is difficult for him. I never want to lie to my children though I think there are times and places to have certain conversations and other times and places to leave it alone. I was prompted to proceed.
I explained once again that his brain thinks a little differently and things that are easy to him might be hard for someone else and vice versus. I revisited the feelings of joy and sadness that come with raising a child with special needs who often does not understand what I am teaching, regardless of the repetition and I chose my words and tone carefully. We have many conversations about why he plays with sticks instead of people and how it's hard for him to understand or communicate certain things. How, in his eyes, the whole world is good and everyone in it wonderful. Then, something happened.
"Mom, autism is something you are born with, right?"
Clinging to my own personal belief, I answered yes.
"And it's something that I'll have forever?"
I gathered my thoughts and replied, "As long as you have your body, you will have autism. It is a challenge that you have on earth because your Heavenly Father knew you had a special heart and could handle a special brain. So, even though you'll always have it- you can do whatever you want to, you will just have to work harder for some things." I studied his face and as usual inquired as to how that made him feel.
I was not prepared for the answer.
He smiled and said, "Good."
I paused. I had rehearsed many explanations for many answers but this one I had no protocol for. This was one of those 31 flavors type of situations and I didn't know which was better- two scoops or three! I sat in the silence, which for me is HUGE. I waited for him to gather his thoughts and continue.
"Having autism lets me do some really cool things that other people can't do, like making animal sounds and I don't ever want to lose that."
If I wasn't driving to school I would have grabbed him like a cobra and squeezed the guts right out of him!
I kept my hands to myself, but it did not stop me from tearing up and beaming with joy. In our house, we talk a lot about what makes us different makes us special but I didn't know anyone was actually listening. (If you you can hear me now, please flush the toilet!) This whole time I was worried that he would see himself as different and thus not as good but in his own, typically perfect way, he saw it as the complete opposite. Autism was not a bruise or a crutch, it was a super-power!
He was genuinely thrilled to know that he would have autism for life. During tough times I'll need to jump on his bandwagon."I'm glad he's enjoying it so much", she thought sarcastically. But I knew he was right. My twelve year old son reminded me to hear my own preaching and be grateful for the challenges that bless us. Autism never changed our lives, it's always been our lives and in this family- we are full of LIFE!
I wrote a song for my boys when one was newly diagnosed and the other in the process of regressing. Once again the ending has resonated with my soul:
"Spending so much of everything to make you all that you can be, but the most important lessons here are the ones that you're teaching me"...
9.07.2013
Brave, trees and fish
Getting sick taught me many things about myself. One of them I am not very proud to admit but since honesty is always the best policy; I help people to feel good about myself. I'm not just talking about helping and serving the needy- I'm talking about doing everything for someone else so that at the end of the day, they hopefully love me just a little bit more. While it is not shocking to want to be loved, it was surprising to me to learn that I had such little self-worth that I was literally killing myself trying to please everyone in attempt to gain some. Hooray for humbling eye openers!
In attempt to heal my body, mind and soul. I have learned to say no... even if sometimes I have to watch the music video of Sara Bareilles performing Brave to work up my reply. Play, sing, repeat and then respond with a quiver in my voice. Yeah- I've got this. Likewise, I have tried to feed my new-found knowledge to my offspring, not so much the one who yells his intentions of burning down the school to the entire campus (he apparently needs a different theme song) but to the ones who, like their mom, do whatever it takes to keep the peace and make others happy. World peace is a desirable platform, but not at the expense of the contestant. In attempt to share my wisdom and hopefully break the cycle of overwhelming self-expectations, I have tried talking more about what I'm doing and why.
I had the scary realization that I may not always be here for my children and thus, the greatest gift I can give them is knowledge to do things for themselves. Be Brave, Make mistakes. I recently heard a quote (I will fill in the movie when I remember what it was), A man who never makes mistakes never really makes anything. AHHH. It is so true. I am so afraid to mess up that I am afraid to try- and I see it in my children. I have so many good qualities, why couldn't they inherit those?
My second grade daughter has a hard time adjusting to our recent move. She went from having many friends to none and it wasn't proving easy. Her teacher yelled at the class (and if my daughter is like me the teacher probably sneezed and she took it as a threat), and her friendless recess was full of trees that kept running into her, scratching up her face. My instinct was grab the women and children and run. My recent insight told me I couldn't.
So, we talked about our options. We talked about how everyone has a bad day, even teachers and we talked about how we have to go out and get friends rather than waiting for them to come to us. We talked about the trees but realized we can only fight so many battles at a time and equipped the backpack with band-aids for the time being... maybe new friends would help her dodge the trees before they attacked. Then, it was time. We played our music video and then hit the replay button. We took turns shouting the main theme and drove to school. I am pleased to announce that while the trees did not retreat, the teacher suggested she move her seat. She now sits next to a girl that proudly told her daddy waiting with her, "That's my new friend Dad, the teacher just moved her next to me yesterday."
Now that I was a professional, I began to stretch my instruction. As one child needed help getting his chores done, this same cute girl offered to assist. Deeper research revealed that assist consisted of her doing all of the work. Hmm. That looked too familiar. I pulled her aside and gave the best fishing speech of my life:
"When we give a man a fish, we feed him for a day but when we teach him how to fish, we feed him for a lifetime." I smiled. Clearly winning mother of the year award.
She paused and replied, "Hmm- I don't get it."
"Ok, it's like if I got you dressed then you'd be dressed today but if I taught you how to dress yourself then you could get dressed everyday on your own." My smile returned.
"I already know how to do that-"
"Well, yes, but it's because I taught you. Think about this. If I made you a cake- you could eat it today. But, if I taught you how to make a cake then you could make one whenever you wanted."
"That wouldn't really work because I just like to eat the frosting-"
My smile was quickly fading.
"Yes. but you could make it if you wanted. Just like with the fish. If I gave you a fish, I'd only feed you for today but teaching you how to fish means you can eat fish whenever you wanted."
"But I don't like fish."
Yeah. I've got this....
In attempt to heal my body, mind and soul. I have learned to say no... even if sometimes I have to watch the music video of Sara Bareilles performing Brave to work up my reply. Play, sing, repeat and then respond with a quiver in my voice. Yeah- I've got this. Likewise, I have tried to feed my new-found knowledge to my offspring, not so much the one who yells his intentions of burning down the school to the entire campus (he apparently needs a different theme song) but to the ones who, like their mom, do whatever it takes to keep the peace and make others happy. World peace is a desirable platform, but not at the expense of the contestant. In attempt to share my wisdom and hopefully break the cycle of overwhelming self-expectations, I have tried talking more about what I'm doing and why.
I had the scary realization that I may not always be here for my children and thus, the greatest gift I can give them is knowledge to do things for themselves. Be Brave, Make mistakes. I recently heard a quote (I will fill in the movie when I remember what it was), A man who never makes mistakes never really makes anything. AHHH. It is so true. I am so afraid to mess up that I am afraid to try- and I see it in my children. I have so many good qualities, why couldn't they inherit those?
My second grade daughter has a hard time adjusting to our recent move. She went from having many friends to none and it wasn't proving easy. Her teacher yelled at the class (and if my daughter is like me the teacher probably sneezed and she took it as a threat), and her friendless recess was full of trees that kept running into her, scratching up her face. My instinct was grab the women and children and run. My recent insight told me I couldn't.
So, we talked about our options. We talked about how everyone has a bad day, even teachers and we talked about how we have to go out and get friends rather than waiting for them to come to us. We talked about the trees but realized we can only fight so many battles at a time and equipped the backpack with band-aids for the time being... maybe new friends would help her dodge the trees before they attacked. Then, it was time. We played our music video and then hit the replay button. We took turns shouting the main theme and drove to school. I am pleased to announce that while the trees did not retreat, the teacher suggested she move her seat. She now sits next to a girl that proudly told her daddy waiting with her, "That's my new friend Dad, the teacher just moved her next to me yesterday."
Now that I was a professional, I began to stretch my instruction. As one child needed help getting his chores done, this same cute girl offered to assist. Deeper research revealed that assist consisted of her doing all of the work. Hmm. That looked too familiar. I pulled her aside and gave the best fishing speech of my life:
"When we give a man a fish, we feed him for a day but when we teach him how to fish, we feed him for a lifetime." I smiled. Clearly winning mother of the year award.
She paused and replied, "Hmm- I don't get it."
"Ok, it's like if I got you dressed then you'd be dressed today but if I taught you how to dress yourself then you could get dressed everyday on your own." My smile returned.
"I already know how to do that-"
"Well, yes, but it's because I taught you. Think about this. If I made you a cake- you could eat it today. But, if I taught you how to make a cake then you could make one whenever you wanted."
"That wouldn't really work because I just like to eat the frosting-"
My smile was quickly fading.
"Yes. but you could make it if you wanted. Just like with the fish. If I gave you a fish, I'd only feed you for today but teaching you how to fish means you can eat fish whenever you wanted."
"But I don't like fish."
Yeah. I've got this....
8.22.2013
doors
The neighborhood Walmart just got a little louder and the one back home will be wondering what happened to us.
We started our summer off with summer school and a bucket list of stay-cations. Two weeks in we became unemployed and two weeks later found us buying packing boxes.
It was a whirlwind of a summer! Silly me never even thought to put moving to CA on our bucket list... I'm usually so prepared!
It was a long seven weeks filled with lots of emotions.
Saying good bye to good friends and reaping the benefits once more of kind people willing to help out. Mr. Zookeeper flew home on weekends but I was alone manning the zoo for about 5 weeks. Yip. Just me and the animals. Don't worry, I never got bored.
Rhino insisted on learning everything he could about the state's capital and thus needed someone to share his new found wisdom with. I now know every animal that resides in the Sacramento zoo.
Tiger was ready to move. He boxed up all of his pipe-cleaners and then boxed up himself. He was extremely inconvenienced to be unpacked every night for bed.
Puppy was on call making sure the house stayed ready for someone to come and buy it. That way, we could buy a new house and she could have her own room.
Monkey lost 99.9% of her toys to packing boxes right off. It was the only way Mom and Puppy could keep their sanity when "the call" came from the realtor. We plan on getting them back out for Christmas and killing two birds with one stone.
Mr. Zookeeper realized that life in the crazy zoo is much better than being alone. He missed us. Who could blame him?
I spent every day packing and re-packing. Cleaning and re-cleaning. I might have told the kids they didn't sell ketchup in California... then I cleaned and packed some more.
Moving day arrived and Mr. Zookeeper and I began loading the truck. It was like stuffing my post pregnant belly into my pre-pregnant jeans. A little sucking in, a lot of breath holding and a few rubber-bands and wallah- everything fits- mostly. Together Mr. Zookeeper and I laughed at the never ending pile of things that once seemed so valuable but as time moved on got closer to getting a for sale signed attached.We also enjoyed riding on the furniture dolly down the ramp. It's the simple things in life that keep us sane.
Some muscle and fresh energy showed up and the rest of the house, minus the walls and floors was crammed into the truck, trailer and mini van and the interior was cleaned one more time.
Then, the day came. I shut my bright, smiling, yellow front door for the last time and slowly made my way down the driveway.
I knew moving was the right thing for our family but it was so hard leaving my home behind. Behind the door I heard sounds from the last seven years of our lives. Crying and tantrums mixed in with feelings of loss and struggle. Giggles and laughter. Stories told and songs sung. Birthday celebrations and milestones reached. That door is where we welcomed guests; friends that became family. Behind that door is where we grew as one and became a family of six. Where meals were eaten and love shared. Behind that door seemed to be my whole life. I had done so much learning and growing behind that door and it was hard to turn the key and walk away.
Then, a beautiful thing happened. I removed the door from its hinges and carried it off with me cackling in the moonlight. OK, not really, but I wanted to. Instead, I cried and drove away.
I drove away into the unknown following two trucks carrying nearly everything I owned. I drove down my street and looked at all of the other front doors that carried me into the homes of so many people I had come to love. I reminded myself that the door was merely a symbol for openings and closings. It was in fact the passageway from my personal home life into the world. And as much as I loved and cared for my home- it was just a body. The body we needed to do what we were called to do at that time. The soul comes with me. And it did. Right along with the ketchup covered table and dirty mismatched socks.
When one door closes, another door opens.
My bum stills hurts from the long drive but we are here adding on to the wonderful life we have already built. Our home is smaller for the time being but it still has a fully functioning front door- and it's yellow...
We started our summer off with summer school and a bucket list of stay-cations. Two weeks in we became unemployed and two weeks later found us buying packing boxes.
It was a whirlwind of a summer! Silly me never even thought to put moving to CA on our bucket list... I'm usually so prepared!
It was a long seven weeks filled with lots of emotions.
Saying good bye to good friends and reaping the benefits once more of kind people willing to help out. Mr. Zookeeper flew home on weekends but I was alone manning the zoo for about 5 weeks. Yip. Just me and the animals. Don't worry, I never got bored.
Rhino insisted on learning everything he could about the state's capital and thus needed someone to share his new found wisdom with. I now know every animal that resides in the Sacramento zoo.
Tiger was ready to move. He boxed up all of his pipe-cleaners and then boxed up himself. He was extremely inconvenienced to be unpacked every night for bed.
Puppy was on call making sure the house stayed ready for someone to come and buy it. That way, we could buy a new house and she could have her own room.
Monkey lost 99.9% of her toys to packing boxes right off. It was the only way Mom and Puppy could keep their sanity when "the call" came from the realtor. We plan on getting them back out for Christmas and killing two birds with one stone.
Mr. Zookeeper realized that life in the crazy zoo is much better than being alone. He missed us. Who could blame him?
I spent every day packing and re-packing. Cleaning and re-cleaning. I might have told the kids they didn't sell ketchup in California... then I cleaned and packed some more.
Moving day arrived and Mr. Zookeeper and I began loading the truck. It was like stuffing my post pregnant belly into my pre-pregnant jeans. A little sucking in, a lot of breath holding and a few rubber-bands and wallah- everything fits- mostly. Together Mr. Zookeeper and I laughed at the never ending pile of things that once seemed so valuable but as time moved on got closer to getting a for sale signed attached.We also enjoyed riding on the furniture dolly down the ramp. It's the simple things in life that keep us sane.
Some muscle and fresh energy showed up and the rest of the house, minus the walls and floors was crammed into the truck, trailer and mini van and the interior was cleaned one more time.
Then, the day came. I shut my bright, smiling, yellow front door for the last time and slowly made my way down the driveway.
I knew moving was the right thing for our family but it was so hard leaving my home behind. Behind the door I heard sounds from the last seven years of our lives. Crying and tantrums mixed in with feelings of loss and struggle. Giggles and laughter. Stories told and songs sung. Birthday celebrations and milestones reached. That door is where we welcomed guests; friends that became family. Behind that door is where we grew as one and became a family of six. Where meals were eaten and love shared. Behind that door seemed to be my whole life. I had done so much learning and growing behind that door and it was hard to turn the key and walk away.
Then, a beautiful thing happened. I removed the door from its hinges and carried it off with me cackling in the moonlight. OK, not really, but I wanted to. Instead, I cried and drove away.
I drove away into the unknown following two trucks carrying nearly everything I owned. I drove down my street and looked at all of the other front doors that carried me into the homes of so many people I had come to love. I reminded myself that the door was merely a symbol for openings and closings. It was in fact the passageway from my personal home life into the world. And as much as I loved and cared for my home- it was just a body. The body we needed to do what we were called to do at that time. The soul comes with me. And it did. Right along with the ketchup covered table and dirty mismatched socks.
When one door closes, another door opens.
My bum stills hurts from the long drive but we are here adding on to the wonderful life we have already built. Our home is smaller for the time being but it still has a fully functioning front door- and it's yellow...
6.04.2013
There's an ANT in every GIANT
When my kids were younger, I marked and celebrated every milestone. It might have been as big as the first day of school or as little as having matching socks- or even just having two socks period on any given day.
We watch as our babies grow so quickly when in fact they grow very slowly, or at least one step at time. We all know the ridiculous faces we make trying to get baby to swallow his peas and the excitement of tinkling on the appropriate seat. We are fully invested in their improvement and even head over to the doc to document each change. Goodness- I remember the nurses getting excited over baby's first bowel movement, and mine too, for that matter! What an accomplishment after such an ordeal!
Then, they get older and we expect so much out of them and ourselves.
Puppy just learned to ride a bike. Now I can't keep her off it; not even long enough to learn to tie her own shoes because "it's too hard." In my infinite mommy wisdom, I explained to her how it took her several tries to learn to ride her bike. Because I wasn't there personally, I realized my argument had very few details so I nonchalantly changed the subject to how she learned to walk and how excited we all were for her. I detailed how she'd fall but get right back up and how at first, even the tiniest step took concentrated effort and determination.
Puppy still prefers riding her bike over the painful and agonizing shoe tying lessons. So much drama over a bunny ear! In my frustration, and because I was left alone with just me and some shoe laces, I began to digest my own words.
Apparently Puppy gets her irritation and self defeat from her mother... of all the things to pick up on!
I have had a lot of changes in the past year. Most of them have all been for the better but that does not mean they were easy. My mom can probably even relate to the former excitement of watching her little girl take a single step all on her own only now it was magnified by thirty years and slightly more awkward. Out of desire and necessity (mostly necessity) I have had to completely change how I think, what I do and when I do it. I have had to resort to the basics and start at the very beginning (except for the diapers- never had to go back that far, thank goodness!) I had to rely on others for an example and assistance AND I visited the doctor every few weeks to track my progress. Though I never got a lollipop, his wisdom was priceless as was his enthusiasm for my progress. He even thanked me for coming to him... I'm sure my ability to swipe a card had a little something to do with it but I am choosing to believe it is because I am so special... what?
I have a demanding family. There is no question there and that is not going to change because I get tired. Luckily I can change even if my responsibilities don't. I have had a lot of patience with watching my children progress. Autism can kind of slow some things down. Every milestone has been planned for, prepared and worked on without a time limit. Autism can be very freeing that way! We recognize that things aren't typical and so we are content with real results. I look at the things I have done with my kids and think, "I am a genius!" Okay not really, the celebration is usually short-lived by a child-on- shelf- testing- gravity type of situation but still, I've been able to witness some miraculous things. That said, I do not always give myself the same benefits, the same chances. I do not make time for myself to improve or to take baby steps- I just don't have time for that!
A squirrel gathers an entire winter's supply of nuts one at a time, maybe two if she's feeling ambitious. A mother bird builds her nest by focusing on each string's placement and the humpback whale crosses the ocean a little bit every day. It would be impossible for them to accomplish things any other way! They weren't designed to and ultimately, they don't have to.
Hours of PBS kids has taught me that there is an ant in every giant. I have a couple of giants living here but the biggest one is called To-Do. He follows me everywhere I go and constantly nags at me. He has been growing effortlessly for many years while hitting a growth spurt over the last year. With the goals of happiness, joy and love; I am breaking down my giants and squishing a few ants. I wonder what I could accomplish with some door-to door sales guy bug spray... I digress... baby-steps, right? I am starting off by deciding what is important to me and what really matters in the end.
I have 2 steps so that when I finish step 1 I can effortlessly take step 2 and resort back to 1 when I stumble.
My priorities:
1. Relationship with my Heavenly Father: 1. Talk to him daily
2. Learn of Him
2. Self: 1. nourish self through proper food and positive self talk
2. Do something that I enjoy
3. Spouse: 1. kiss everyday (I'm going to really enjoy this one)
2. Alone time
4. Kids: 1. Love is spelled T-I-M-E.
2. 10-15 minutes daily chore time
5. House: 1. 5- minute clean up in each room
2. No clothes on the floor (MY NEMESIS!)
6. Others: 1. Say something nice/positive
2. Do something nice/positive
So, in a sense, I am like a child learning to walk, to tie my shoes and to ride a bike. I will fall, I'll probably get frustrated and tears will be shed (I am not that naive) but I will get back up because I'm stubborn like that. I am going to take my own advice (since Puppy isn't using it anyway) and I am going to focus on the little things. I am going to slow down and try to gather nuts, build a home and cross oceans one step at a time...
We watch as our babies grow so quickly when in fact they grow very slowly, or at least one step at time. We all know the ridiculous faces we make trying to get baby to swallow his peas and the excitement of tinkling on the appropriate seat. We are fully invested in their improvement and even head over to the doc to document each change. Goodness- I remember the nurses getting excited over baby's first bowel movement, and mine too, for that matter! What an accomplishment after such an ordeal!
Then, they get older and we expect so much out of them and ourselves.
Puppy just learned to ride a bike. Now I can't keep her off it; not even long enough to learn to tie her own shoes because "it's too hard." In my infinite mommy wisdom, I explained to her how it took her several tries to learn to ride her bike. Because I wasn't there personally, I realized my argument had very few details so I nonchalantly changed the subject to how she learned to walk and how excited we all were for her. I detailed how she'd fall but get right back up and how at first, even the tiniest step took concentrated effort and determination.
Puppy still prefers riding her bike over the painful and agonizing shoe tying lessons. So much drama over a bunny ear! In my frustration, and because I was left alone with just me and some shoe laces, I began to digest my own words.
Apparently Puppy gets her irritation and self defeat from her mother... of all the things to pick up on!
I have had a lot of changes in the past year. Most of them have all been for the better but that does not mean they were easy. My mom can probably even relate to the former excitement of watching her little girl take a single step all on her own only now it was magnified by thirty years and slightly more awkward. Out of desire and necessity (mostly necessity) I have had to completely change how I think, what I do and when I do it. I have had to resort to the basics and start at the very beginning (except for the diapers- never had to go back that far, thank goodness!) I had to rely on others for an example and assistance AND I visited the doctor every few weeks to track my progress. Though I never got a lollipop, his wisdom was priceless as was his enthusiasm for my progress. He even thanked me for coming to him... I'm sure my ability to swipe a card had a little something to do with it but I am choosing to believe it is because I am so special... what?
I have a demanding family. There is no question there and that is not going to change because I get tired. Luckily I can change even if my responsibilities don't. I have had a lot of patience with watching my children progress. Autism can kind of slow some things down. Every milestone has been planned for, prepared and worked on without a time limit. Autism can be very freeing that way! We recognize that things aren't typical and so we are content with real results. I look at the things I have done with my kids and think, "I am a genius!" Okay not really, the celebration is usually short-lived by a child-on- shelf- testing- gravity type of situation but still, I've been able to witness some miraculous things. That said, I do not always give myself the same benefits, the same chances. I do not make time for myself to improve or to take baby steps- I just don't have time for that!
A squirrel gathers an entire winter's supply of nuts one at a time, maybe two if she's feeling ambitious. A mother bird builds her nest by focusing on each string's placement and the humpback whale crosses the ocean a little bit every day. It would be impossible for them to accomplish things any other way! They weren't designed to and ultimately, they don't have to.
Hours of PBS kids has taught me that there is an ant in every giant. I have a couple of giants living here but the biggest one is called To-Do. He follows me everywhere I go and constantly nags at me. He has been growing effortlessly for many years while hitting a growth spurt over the last year. With the goals of happiness, joy and love; I am breaking down my giants and squishing a few ants. I wonder what I could accomplish with some door-to door sales guy bug spray... I digress... baby-steps, right? I am starting off by deciding what is important to me and what really matters in the end.
I have 2 steps so that when I finish step 1 I can effortlessly take step 2 and resort back to 1 when I stumble.
My priorities:
1. Relationship with my Heavenly Father: 1. Talk to him daily
2. Learn of Him
2. Self: 1. nourish self through proper food and positive self talk
2. Do something that I enjoy
3. Spouse: 1. kiss everyday (I'm going to really enjoy this one)
2. Alone time
4. Kids: 1. Love is spelled T-I-M-E.
2. 10-15 minutes daily chore time
5. House: 1. 5- minute clean up in each room
2. No clothes on the floor (MY NEMESIS!)
6. Others: 1. Say something nice/positive
2. Do something nice/positive
So, in a sense, I am like a child learning to walk, to tie my shoes and to ride a bike. I will fall, I'll probably get frustrated and tears will be shed (I am not that naive) but I will get back up because I'm stubborn like that. I am going to take my own advice (since Puppy isn't using it anyway) and I am going to focus on the little things. I am going to slow down and try to gather nuts, build a home and cross oceans one step at a time...
5.16.2013
They asked me to speak, so I did...
I received a phone call requesting Mr. Zookeeper and I to speak on a particular Sunday in April. I was thrilled to accept (seriously, me turn down the opportunity to talk?) but the week was not a good one. We were rescheduled for the following week and I believe it was a topic I was meant to research and ponder:
In his latest general conference
address, President Thomas S. Monson of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints offered these words:
“ Throughout the ages, men and women
have sought for knowledge and understanding concerning this mortal existence
and their place and purpose in it, as well as for the way to peace and
happiness. Such a search is undertaken by each of us.
This knowledge and understanding are
available to all mankind. Some would ask, “Where is such truth to be found, and
how are we to recognize it?” In a revelation given through the Prophet Joseph
Smith at Kirtland, Ohio, in May of 1833,
the Lord declared:
“Truth is knowledge of things as
they are, and as they were, and as they are to come. …
“The Spirit of truth is of God. …
“And no man receiveth a fulness
unless he keepeth his commandments.
“He that keepeth [God’s]
commandments receiveth truth and light, until he is glorified in truth and
knoweth all things.”
What a glorious promise! “He that
keepeth [God’s] commandments receiveth truth and light, until he is glorified
in truth and knoweth all things.”
There is no need for you or for me,
in this enlightened age when the fulness of the gospel has been restored, to
sail uncharted seas or to travel unmarked roads in search of truth. A loving
Heavenly Father has plotted our course and provided an unfailing guide—even obedience.
A knowledge of truth and the answers to our greatest questions come to us as we
are obedient to the commandments of God.
We learn obedience throughout our
lives. Beginning when we are very young, those responsible for our care set
forth guidelines and rules to ensure our safety. Life would be simpler for all
of us if we would obey such rules completely. Many of us, however, learn
through experience the wisdom of being obedient.”
I love how he uses the wording “wisdom
of being obedient”
We have been counseled by our church
leaders and most recently by our Bishopric to keep the commandments.
One of the shortest songs in the
history of our church has such a profound message:
Keep the Commandments: in
this there is safety, in this there is Peace!
I have always sought safety and
peace. I was the child who hugged my mother’s leg, afraid to let go. And now I
am the mother who has her children on leashes and knows where they are at every
minute, never allowing them to get more than an arm’s length from me. I want to keep them safe and I can’t do that
if they are too far from me. Our Heavenly Father has the same desire for us.
However, in his infinite knowledge, he teaches us correct principles and allows
us the freedom to govern ourselves. He trusts us that much!
I have a child whom I don’t trust
that much. In fact, I don’t trust him to be out of my sight or at least
earshot. I worried for his safety even before he was born. On too many
occasions, I have felt my heart sink wondering if “this” was the time my worst
fears would come true and he wouldn’t return. One of our more recent
experiences happened a few months ago. Unfortunately, I have to use the
restroom sometimes and no matter how rehearsed and efficient I have become, it
is just enough time for trouble to happen.
I came downstairs to begin welcoming
kids home from school. I listened and looked: things I always do when returning
to a room. I saw the front door was closed but the chain was swinging. I
immediately went into alert- Tiger was gone and since I didn’t know for how
long, I didn’t know how far he could have gotten. I had my toddler taking a nap
and time was of the essence. I jogged to my corner to see if he was within
view. No sign of him. Whenever we need help, the lord either gives us wings to
fly or grants us the assistance of angels, both heavenly in the flesh. I
grabbed the phone and immediately called my neighbor; someone who is always
ready and willing to come to my rescue. Oh, how I love her and the many people
who lend my family their halos.
As I briefly explained the situation
and what I needed, I ran to look at each window just hoping to catch a glimpse
of his whereabouts. Within seconds- my neighbor took over at my house and I
raced to the van to try and catch up to him. His latest fascination was walking
himself to Walmart. My fear was him
crossing main street before I reached him, his fear was getting caught before
reaching his destination so we both moved rather quickly. I turned the corner heading out
of our development and my heart sank. I slammed on the breaks and threw open my
car door shouting his name. He ran into the street to make his final attempt of
escape. In his limited view, he did not see the car racing towards him. Using
borrowed strength- I managed to come between him and the screeching car. I will
forever be grateful to the driver of that car for being alert and aware. I will
forever be grateful to my Heavenly Father for sparing our lives. I grabbed my
son and wobbled to the curb. He was still kicking and screaming, completely
oblivious to what might have just happened. We have all been there. You hold
them tightly with one hand and swat their bums with the other.
I held him close. “Why don’t you
listen to me” I would cry. His simple, innocent response, “I want to go to
Walmart, let me go, you are ruining my life!”
While I was busy trying to save his
life, he saw it as a punishment. How many times do we disobey because we want
something else and don’t realize the danger through our limited vision? Luke
6:46 asks, “Why
call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?” How many times do we push our Savior away not realizing he
gave his life for us? Do we appreciate that the commandments are given as a
means to bless and enrich our lives as opposed to limiting our experience?
Keep the commandments, in this there
is safety, in this there is peace.
As just demonstrated, I am a mother
who tries teaching that obedience brings blessings. However, in my own limited vision, I too
struggle with thinking that sometimes I know better.
Many are aware of my recovery
process regarding my health. Through such uncertain times, I have struggled to
find the peace and happiness that my soul desired. Through prayer I have come
to know my Savior and his love for me. Through obedience, I have shown my love
and faith in him. My faith was not always strong. I would plea for deliverance
and beg to have it all end the way I wanted, and when I wanted.
My answers were simple. Follow the
directions your doctor is giving to you and peace will come. I had many
restrictions and I am working through many of them still but boundaries were
given not because my doctor or Heavenly Father were cruel and didn’t want me to
eat anything with flavor or do anything fun- they were given to get me back on
the path and keep me there.
The tables had been turned. I was
the innocent child trying to get what I wanted rather than listening to my
parent who knew better for me.
I have learned the hard way, over
and over that just one bite is not worth a week’s misery and I have come to
appreciate the simple things in life, including the health benefits of pink,
brown and green smoothies.
Keep the commandments, in this there
is safety, in this there is peace.
Our spirits fought for free agency.
Not only are we entitled to it but we continue to long for it. I read of psychological
studies known to have shown that when we say the words, “I can’t” there is a region in
our brain that triggers resentment and discontent. Almost rebellion, if you
will. This is because our spirits, who ultimately control our minds and bodies
know that we are never forced to do anything- we have the right to choose. Tests have suggested that tasks, even
impossible ones, are more easily handled when we say, “I choose this because”
rather than “I can’t”.
As we read the scriptures, we find
thousands of opportunities where the Lord gave his children a choice to follow
his commandments. Some chose well, others did not but no one was free from
challenges regardless of their faith- it didn’t change their problems, in fact
sometimes their obedience seemed to make things worse. We see that Nephi’s
obedience got him in trouble with his brothers on several occasions. Still, he
declared, “I will go and do the things the Lord commands, for I know that the
Lord giveth no commandment unto the children of men, lest he shall prepare a
way for them.” His testimony and faith did
not remove his burdens but they did provide peace in uncertain times and
through difficult tasks while his brothers did not experience the same
contentment.
Abinadi’s obedience got him captured
and bound; still, he continued to testify even while surrounded in flames. He
knew that his safety would come as he stood alongside his Maker and that he’d
have heavenly peace for evermore. Moroni’s obedience left him alone as the last
righteous man of his time. His safety and peace came as he buried the plates
and saved generations. Joseph Smith’s obedience cost him his life as he sealed
his testimony, alongside his brother in the name of Jesus Christ our Savior. Even
while being persecuted, the saints knew obedience would bring them safety and
peace, even if it was only within their own hearts.
And what greater example of
obedience do we have than that of our Savior?
"The Savior demonstrated genuine love
of God by living the perfect life, by honoring the sacred mission that was His.
Ever was He humble. Ever was He sincere. Ever was He obedient.
Though He was tempted by that master
of deceit, even the devil, though He was physically weakened from fasting 40
days and 40 nights and was an hungered, yet when the evil one proffered Jesus
the most alluring and tempting proposals, He gave to us a divine example of
obedience by refusing to deviate from what He knew was right.
When faced with the agony of
Gethsemane, where He endured such pain that “his sweat was as it were great
drops of blood falling down to the ground,”
He exemplified the obedient Son by saying, “Father, if thou be willing, remove
this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.”
Are we willing to obey? "
If we could see the bigger picture, my
son probably would not risk his life so much in the name of immediate want of
pipe cleaners, legos and square crackers. I probably would not distress over
foods I should not eat because I know that the long-lasting blessing of health
and strength surpasses any immediate but temporary desire. Perhaps it would be
easier to keep the Sabbath day holy or to honor our parents; to love our
neighbors and to study the scriptures.
Though we may not always understand the
purpose of some commandments in this life, our obedience in them shows our love
and faith in our Heavenly Father’s wisdom.
As we view life with our eternal
eyes, we no longer see the commandments given to us as limits or restrictions
but as the blessings that they are meant to be in offering us safety and peace.
President Monson prophetically
concluded:
My brothers and sisters, the great
test of this life is obedience. “We will prove them herewith,” said the Lord,
“to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command
them.”
The knowledge which we seek, the
answers for which we yearn, and the strength which we desire today to meet the
challenges of a complex and changing world can be ours when we willingly obey
the Lord’s commandments. I quote once again the words of the Lord: “He that
keepeth [God’s] commandments receiveth truth and light, until he is glorified
in truth and knoweth all things.”
I add my testimony to his…
If we want to know, we must do. I have come to know my Heavenly Father and my Savior personally over the last year. While I would not care to repeat the events, I never want to forget them or their lessons. I am grateful for my knowledge in an ever powerful Father in Heaven that loves me more than I could ever know in this life. I am grateful for the plan of salvation and my belief in it and eternal families. I have no doubt that my Savior has stood beside me in my darkest hours. He has comforted me as no one else could and helped me to learn who I am. He has celebrated in my joys and conversed with me and calmed my troubled heart as often as I would open the door and invite him in.
I am grateful for rules and boundaries and the safety that they provide. I have enough to do without having to try and guess the ways of the Lord. He lays them out for me and helps me keep the course, never forcing my hand but never letting go of it either. I bear my witness that God is a God of hope and love and that through him, peace and safety can be found.
4.17.2013
shaky voice, steady heart
Let your voice be heard, even if it shakes a little.
There are many different variations of this quote but the meaning is all the same. Fact is, I avoid confrontation because I don't always feel like I know what I am talking about and my voice shakes. There are so many people smarter, more educated and more experienced than I. I have always had my opinions, yes, but had little to back them up other than my beliefs.
I take a backseat in some cases because there are others unafraid to contradict me or very readily give their opinion of what I should do as if I am not capable of thinking for myself. Perhaps I am partly to blame since I allow it by omission. Other times, I do not feel knowledgeable enough. What do I know?
The more I learn, the more I wonder if there are really true experts in many things. There are lots of experiences, learning and action that can lead up to a wealth of knowledge, but why does that mean more than conviction of the heart?
I am in school, and grateful to be learning a lot from very knowledgeable people. The ones I learn the most from are those there to teach rather than boast their accomplishments or force their opinions. This goes for instructors and classmates equally. I am not free from guilt. I have proclaimed to be an expert at some things but really, the only one thing I am good at is me, and even that is a little questionable from time to time.
This is not an attempt to put myself or anyone else down, but rather the opposite. We live in turmoil all around us- and we have it easy compared to others. Politics, gender, religion; it is common conversation and often surrounded by controversy. It is possible that I have had my ears plugged with ignorance but it seems more prominent now than it ever has been in my lifetime. I am neither old or young but I have seen my country change. I have seen friends part ways and families torn. It is sad. However, it is why we are here. It is my belief that we came to this earth to make choices. We should help each other find our way back to live with our Heavenly Father but nonetheless, each will choose for him/herself.
I have my convictions but I have mostly kept them to my small circle- where it is safer.
I have let others fight the battles because I have more confidence in their knowledge and abilities than I do in my own. I am realizing, however, though they may accept the role of generals- they are nothing without their army backing them up.
As a child I would sneak through the dark hallways of night to rest comfortably on the floor by my parent's bed. There, and there alone did I feel safe. Now, I find myself holding my children tight wondering if they are afraid but too afraid to mention it for fear I'll pass it on to them. Then, a wonderful thing happened. I had panic attacks. In themselves, they are no vacation but the result has been a life changer. When I felt scared and alone and nobody could take it away, my Savior reminded me that he is always by my side. I have been reminded that there is a God and he loves all of His children. On a personal level and in general, He expects me to rise to my potential and test the strengths he has given me. Surrounding my home with peace and love goes beyond my walls. I feel a sense of security having everyone about me, but it is also important for us to be out in the world. My children are amazing and strong spirited. They have a lot to offer the world and the world still has a lot to offer us. With our Savior near, I need not fear. We have a sign above our front door that reminds us as we leave our fortress, "In God We Trust." This country was ordained by him through good men and women who were not afraid to take a stand and speak up.
The men who signed The Constitution knowing that they would be killed if they didn't succeed did so boldly and without apology. Not all who stood up were preserved in life but understood that death was not the worst thing that could happen to them. Against all odds the new Americans won their battle, and they knew they owed it to their God. So many brave people sacrificed, spoke, rode and were hanged for their convictions yet we are now afraid to share something or speak up for fear of causing offense, myself included. In the hope of peace, we are giving up our peace and freedoms.
While I would love to sing a song and all hold hands, it isn't in our nature as human beings to always agree because we all have freedom of choice. We have to put aside the natural man and choose God and His ways. Unfortunately, too many are being persuaded otherwise.
There are terrible tragedies flooding our days but I believe God still exists and has a plan for each of us. There are good people and they are doing good things. There is a pain in the world but there is a lot more love. I believe that God never leaves anyone alone, unless they push him away. Even then, he is ready when we are. Sometimes we can be called into action and other times scared into retreat. The innocent dying at the hands of evil will affect us one way or the other- and rightfully so for we have feeling. Too often though, we (I) think of death as a wall when it is really a door and the journey continues. Lying next to what I have felt was close to death, I pleaded to my God for mercy. Not only did mercy arrive, but so have angels to perform His miracles.
God does not leave us alone. He does not forsake us and he certainly will not forsake his little children. Tragedy happens, yes, but that does not mean God is not there to ease pain and offer peace and comfort that can only come from Him. Our Savior willingly gave his life for us. He suffered in the Garden because he loves us. He felt our pain and suffering as well as our sins. If he bore it then, why would he not bear it with us now?
I speak with many events running through my mind and find myself wondering how we came to this and where we are heading. Rose-colored glasses can no longer protect us from the evils surrounding us physically or spiritually. If I (we) don't speak up for what kind of world I want to live in, even though my voice may shake a little, someone much louder will. My wishes and desires will be forsaken because I only offered them in silence and no one was there to hear me. We tell our children not to be bullies or allow themselves to be bullied, but then what are we doing? If knowledge is what I lack, then it is my responsibility to educate myself.
I may not ever be very knowledgeable in the ways of the world but that does not make me useless. I am armed with something of great significance and it is my duty to share what I have with others willing to accept it. I know that I am a child of God and that my Savior loves me. I have felt him near me and have had peace come over me that cannot be explained by temporal means. Life is hard and usually not very fair to my limited view, but as a parent I can see a slightly larger picture. I teach my kids and hope they make good decisions. Each one gets different things from me but they all get what they need, when they need it. I have to let them scrape their knees and get hurt feelings sometimes. I watch them struggle and I watch them grow. Most of all, I get to love them, unconditionally through the ups and downs. This is what our Heavenly Father gives to us. He teaches, lets go and stands with open arms and unlimited supplies of band aids.
There is no need to be afraid, ashamed or timid. If I want a peaceful world I have to take part in it because if I don't, someone else with perhaps different ideas will. I don't understand all of God's ways or reasons, but I accept them because I understand that He loves us as only a perfect parent can and that's reason enough for me.
There are many different variations of this quote but the meaning is all the same. Fact is, I avoid confrontation because I don't always feel like I know what I am talking about and my voice shakes. There are so many people smarter, more educated and more experienced than I. I have always had my opinions, yes, but had little to back them up other than my beliefs.
I take a backseat in some cases because there are others unafraid to contradict me or very readily give their opinion of what I should do as if I am not capable of thinking for myself. Perhaps I am partly to blame since I allow it by omission. Other times, I do not feel knowledgeable enough. What do I know?
The more I learn, the more I wonder if there are really true experts in many things. There are lots of experiences, learning and action that can lead up to a wealth of knowledge, but why does that mean more than conviction of the heart?
I am in school, and grateful to be learning a lot from very knowledgeable people. The ones I learn the most from are those there to teach rather than boast their accomplishments or force their opinions. This goes for instructors and classmates equally. I am not free from guilt. I have proclaimed to be an expert at some things but really, the only one thing I am good at is me, and even that is a little questionable from time to time.
This is not an attempt to put myself or anyone else down, but rather the opposite. We live in turmoil all around us- and we have it easy compared to others. Politics, gender, religion; it is common conversation and often surrounded by controversy. It is possible that I have had my ears plugged with ignorance but it seems more prominent now than it ever has been in my lifetime. I am neither old or young but I have seen my country change. I have seen friends part ways and families torn. It is sad. However, it is why we are here. It is my belief that we came to this earth to make choices. We should help each other find our way back to live with our Heavenly Father but nonetheless, each will choose for him/herself.
I have my convictions but I have mostly kept them to my small circle- where it is safer.
I have let others fight the battles because I have more confidence in their knowledge and abilities than I do in my own. I am realizing, however, though they may accept the role of generals- they are nothing without their army backing them up.
As a child I would sneak through the dark hallways of night to rest comfortably on the floor by my parent's bed. There, and there alone did I feel safe. Now, I find myself holding my children tight wondering if they are afraid but too afraid to mention it for fear I'll pass it on to them. Then, a wonderful thing happened. I had panic attacks. In themselves, they are no vacation but the result has been a life changer. When I felt scared and alone and nobody could take it away, my Savior reminded me that he is always by my side. I have been reminded that there is a God and he loves all of His children. On a personal level and in general, He expects me to rise to my potential and test the strengths he has given me. Surrounding my home with peace and love goes beyond my walls. I feel a sense of security having everyone about me, but it is also important for us to be out in the world. My children are amazing and strong spirited. They have a lot to offer the world and the world still has a lot to offer us. With our Savior near, I need not fear. We have a sign above our front door that reminds us as we leave our fortress, "In God We Trust." This country was ordained by him through good men and women who were not afraid to take a stand and speak up.
The men who signed The Constitution knowing that they would be killed if they didn't succeed did so boldly and without apology. Not all who stood up were preserved in life but understood that death was not the worst thing that could happen to them. Against all odds the new Americans won their battle, and they knew they owed it to their God. So many brave people sacrificed, spoke, rode and were hanged for their convictions yet we are now afraid to share something or speak up for fear of causing offense, myself included. In the hope of peace, we are giving up our peace and freedoms.
While I would love to sing a song and all hold hands, it isn't in our nature as human beings to always agree because we all have freedom of choice. We have to put aside the natural man and choose God and His ways. Unfortunately, too many are being persuaded otherwise.
There are terrible tragedies flooding our days but I believe God still exists and has a plan for each of us. There are good people and they are doing good things. There is a pain in the world but there is a lot more love. I believe that God never leaves anyone alone, unless they push him away. Even then, he is ready when we are. Sometimes we can be called into action and other times scared into retreat. The innocent dying at the hands of evil will affect us one way or the other- and rightfully so for we have feeling. Too often though, we (I) think of death as a wall when it is really a door and the journey continues. Lying next to what I have felt was close to death, I pleaded to my God for mercy. Not only did mercy arrive, but so have angels to perform His miracles.
John 16:33 I have
said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world
you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
God does not leave us alone. He does not forsake us and he certainly will not forsake his little children. Tragedy happens, yes, but that does not mean God is not there to ease pain and offer peace and comfort that can only come from Him. Our Savior willingly gave his life for us. He suffered in the Garden because he loves us. He felt our pain and suffering as well as our sins. If he bore it then, why would he not bear it with us now?
I speak with many events running through my mind and find myself wondering how we came to this and where we are heading. Rose-colored glasses can no longer protect us from the evils surrounding us physically or spiritually. If I (we) don't speak up for what kind of world I want to live in, even though my voice may shake a little, someone much louder will. My wishes and desires will be forsaken because I only offered them in silence and no one was there to hear me. We tell our children not to be bullies or allow themselves to be bullied, but then what are we doing? If knowledge is what I lack, then it is my responsibility to educate myself.
I may not ever be very knowledgeable in the ways of the world but that does not make me useless. I am armed with something of great significance and it is my duty to share what I have with others willing to accept it. I know that I am a child of God and that my Savior loves me. I have felt him near me and have had peace come over me that cannot be explained by temporal means. Life is hard and usually not very fair to my limited view, but as a parent I can see a slightly larger picture. I teach my kids and hope they make good decisions. Each one gets different things from me but they all get what they need, when they need it. I have to let them scrape their knees and get hurt feelings sometimes. I watch them struggle and I watch them grow. Most of all, I get to love them, unconditionally through the ups and downs. This is what our Heavenly Father gives to us. He teaches, lets go and stands with open arms and unlimited supplies of band aids.
There is no need to be afraid, ashamed or timid. If I want a peaceful world I have to take part in it because if I don't, someone else with perhaps different ideas will. I don't understand all of God's ways or reasons, but I accept them because I understand that He loves us as only a perfect parent can and that's reason enough for me.
1.04.2013
...just another day on the job...
"Attention Wal-Mart customers and associates. We have a CODE ADAM. He's an eight year old boy with autism wearing red headphones, last seen in the chip aisle." Got him- he was 'just running away' shopping for pipe-cleaners. Heart attack over and on to the next item of the daily agenda. Not much is new, just another day on the job.
Tell the kids they have to go to bed and two stay up most of the night. New Year's Eve rolls around. Tell the kids they can stay up all night and the same two go to bed early. Parents don't sleep, it's just another day on the job.
Take the kids sledding. Mom is tired and worn out from dressing everyone and walking up the hill- I sit in the snow and watch all of the other people fall down the mountain. Dad goes down the hill after four kids and back up again pulling three on the sled behind him. Monkey grew over the weekend and her pants and jacket were too short exposing bare skin. Duct tape keeps out the snow and serves the purpose of holding her clothes together... until she had to go potty. Tiger neglects to wear socks in his over sized boots (because one of his was 'gone forever and now he'll never play in the snow again') and he is done early in spite of the duct tape securing his boots to his ankles; mom and Tiger wait in the car for everyone else. Puppy was having a great time until she crossed paths with Rhino. Rhinoceros' have poor eyesight and just charge. Our Rhino has poor power steering. With a slight curve he rammed his 125 lbs (plus the weight picked up with velocity and momentum and all that other science stuff I never learned) into the little 35 lb Puppy sending her sailing into the school building. Five cuts on her face and a bruise circumference worthy of bragging rights- we decided it may be time to go. No sweat. Just another day on the job.
Family trip to the movie Wreck it Ralph using dad's gift card (a gift from the kids they thought HE'D enjoy). Rhino has his fingers in his ears the whole time and chooses probably the most important point in the movie to use the restroom; as usual, mom will see it when it comes out on video. Tiger talks through the whole thing. He loudly encourages the actors, asks for more popcorn and soda and has no concern with the stranger sitting next to him. Puppy has to sit by dad setting up a game of musical chairs for the non-enjoyment of those seated behind us. Monkey can't hold still; she dumps the popcorn, spills the soda and starts jumping up and down while pulling on and kicking the seats in front of us. We finish our movie trying to minimize the discomfort of other patrons and make our exit while the room is still dark. No worries, just another day on the job.
Dad has to go back to his day job and all of the animals go wild. Two bottles of ketchup gone in five days (they were hidden for the first three). 2,500 Pipe-cleaners scattered across the living room. Pickle skins are left on my keyboard, desk and chair. The inner layer of mini-donuts can't be eaten so they are discarded and broken into crumbs on the couch, but why stop there, let's sprinkle them amongst the pipe-cleaners. An entire Costco-sized school of Goldfish go swimming in the boys room carpet. Stairs glisten in mini-marshmallow snow. The smell of french fries and sausage fill the microwave and blinds, table and chairs double as napkins. A shower is not in my near forecast but everyone's put on tornado watch. Children mimic congress and can't agree on anything, quiet time gets vetoed and everyone turns union and won't work without benefits and holiday pay... no need to change management, it's just another day on the job.
Smiles, hugs, words of encouragement. Cool air, warm blankets and ten arms wrapped around my body. Giggling and singing. Gathering everyone together to end the day in thanks. Monsters scared off and potty flushed twenty (plus) times. All of that potty-ing makes them dehydrated; must drink more water... and get a snack. Tucked into bed and covers pulled close. The laundry, dishes and scattered messes wait while we venture into another place found only on the pages of our favorite books. Lights turned off, two nightlights per room turned on. A kiss is blown in my direction with soft words trailing behind, "Love you." Repeat four times. The world is beautiful and I am blessed with yet another day on the job...
Tell the kids they have to go to bed and two stay up most of the night. New Year's Eve rolls around. Tell the kids they can stay up all night and the same two go to bed early. Parents don't sleep, it's just another day on the job.
Take the kids sledding. Mom is tired and worn out from dressing everyone and walking up the hill- I sit in the snow and watch all of the other people fall down the mountain. Dad goes down the hill after four kids and back up again pulling three on the sled behind him. Monkey grew over the weekend and her pants and jacket were too short exposing bare skin. Duct tape keeps out the snow and serves the purpose of holding her clothes together... until she had to go potty. Tiger neglects to wear socks in his over sized boots (because one of his was 'gone forever and now he'll never play in the snow again') and he is done early in spite of the duct tape securing his boots to his ankles; mom and Tiger wait in the car for everyone else. Puppy was having a great time until she crossed paths with Rhino. Rhinoceros' have poor eyesight and just charge. Our Rhino has poor power steering. With a slight curve he rammed his 125 lbs (plus the weight picked up with velocity and momentum and all that other science stuff I never learned) into the little 35 lb Puppy sending her sailing into the school building. Five cuts on her face and a bruise circumference worthy of bragging rights- we decided it may be time to go. No sweat. Just another day on the job.
Family trip to the movie Wreck it Ralph using dad's gift card (a gift from the kids they thought HE'D enjoy). Rhino has his fingers in his ears the whole time and chooses probably the most important point in the movie to use the restroom; as usual, mom will see it when it comes out on video. Tiger talks through the whole thing. He loudly encourages the actors, asks for more popcorn and soda and has no concern with the stranger sitting next to him. Puppy has to sit by dad setting up a game of musical chairs for the non-enjoyment of those seated behind us. Monkey can't hold still; she dumps the popcorn, spills the soda and starts jumping up and down while pulling on and kicking the seats in front of us. We finish our movie trying to minimize the discomfort of other patrons and make our exit while the room is still dark. No worries, just another day on the job.
Dad has to go back to his day job and all of the animals go wild. Two bottles of ketchup gone in five days (they were hidden for the first three). 2,500 Pipe-cleaners scattered across the living room. Pickle skins are left on my keyboard, desk and chair. The inner layer of mini-donuts can't be eaten so they are discarded and broken into crumbs on the couch, but why stop there, let's sprinkle them amongst the pipe-cleaners. An entire Costco-sized school of Goldfish go swimming in the boys room carpet. Stairs glisten in mini-marshmallow snow. The smell of french fries and sausage fill the microwave and blinds, table and chairs double as napkins. A shower is not in my near forecast but everyone's put on tornado watch. Children mimic congress and can't agree on anything, quiet time gets vetoed and everyone turns union and won't work without benefits and holiday pay... no need to change management, it's just another day on the job.
Smiles, hugs, words of encouragement. Cool air, warm blankets and ten arms wrapped around my body. Giggling and singing. Gathering everyone together to end the day in thanks. Monsters scared off and potty flushed twenty (plus) times. All of that potty-ing makes them dehydrated; must drink more water... and get a snack. Tucked into bed and covers pulled close. The laundry, dishes and scattered messes wait while we venture into another place found only on the pages of our favorite books. Lights turned off, two nightlights per room turned on. A kiss is blown in my direction with soft words trailing behind, "Love you." Repeat four times. The world is beautiful and I am blessed with yet another day on the job...
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