11 Ways to Raise a Mother Raising a Child with Autism

I have several people, well- at least two or three, who are always asking me how I can raise two children with autism and still be so happy. The simple answer is that I love my kids but it is important for me to note that my kids have autism- it doesn’t have us. Sure, life is different when you get the diagnosis and even before that when you first start seeing the signs but I feel like you should take that information and use it as a tool rather than a prison sentence. Life, any life, is what we make of it. Sure you may get more lemons, limes and problems the size of melons thrown at you but that just means you get a lot more lemonade and a lot more varieties of flavor.

That said, while I could write a full book on the subject, here are a few suggestions (11 to be exact) to give a mother hope, to help raise her up to the place where she can hold her head up high and enjoy the experience of raising a child with autism…
1. Let Go. Let go of all of the guilt, the torment, the uncertainty, the control, the bitterness and every other negative thought. It is what it is and only you have the power to change you and your child’s outlook on the future. Be careful not to spend so much time planning for tomorrow that you miss today. No mother knows what will become of her child and so in that sense he is no different. Your child is still your child- you’ll just be learning different ways to help him and having experiences you never thought possible. Let go of things you can’t change and start living again.
2. Embrace It. Once you learn how to let go of every negative feeling you can start to feel the excitement that comes with new challenges. Stop dwelling on what he can’t do and rejoice in the things he can. Get off the pity couch and get on the floor with him. Do things he enjoys doing and build a bond between you. The first step in his learning from you is to trust you and that happens through building a relationship- a mother and child relationship. Consider how attentive a mother is with her newborn. While she doesn’t fantasize about spending hours playing peek- a- boo, she does it because of the joy in his eyes every time she reappears. Don’t be afraid to have expectations, just make sure they are obtainable and work together to make them happen. Don’t put aside dreams. Find out what interests him and help him walk the road to be all he can be. Give your child what he needs by realizing what he needs.
3. Trust Yourself. You are doing better than you think. You can do this! You are not his mom by accident; he needs you and you need him. Put aside feelings of inadequacy and have some faith in yourself- know that you have powers beyond this world helping you. You will discover abilities you never knew you had; talents you may have missed the opportunity to develop had he never given you the chance. If ever you feel weak, look into his eyes for strength- Trust yourself- because he trusts in you.
4. Find Humor. Don’t get so caught up in meetings, therapies and trying to give him every opportunity that you miss the simple joys. While there is nothing funny about wasting an entire cake on sensory experiences (it’s for a good cause but still not right in my opinion), you can find humor in even the worst days; trust me. The worst catastrophes make the best memories and if you can laugh them off before they become history lessons- you are that much further ahead. Take joy in the life your child possesses and remember every day how much better it feels to laugh.
5. Invest in Child-Savers. These are material things that may save your child when things go wrong. Yes, alarms and locks are great but I’m thinking more along the lines of carpet cleaners and trampolines. Messes aren’t so bad when you have the equipment and know how to clean them up. Extra energy usually exerted on the couch can have a more productive release. Some purchases might seem costly but when it saves you and/or child from a meltdown- they are worth every penny. I’m not encouraging debt, but rather those essential items that make your life, and his, so much more bearable.
6. Don’t be afraid to be a mom. Set rules and as long as they are within reason, expect those rules to be followed. Make certain adjustments for your child’s abilities but don’t allow him to run the show. All kids need boundaries including him. Treat him like a member of the family (because he is) and don’t forget to plan fun things as a family as well. Siblings are special- let them do what only siblings can do. Pick your battles. Being a mom is a huge blessing but a lot of work and it doesn’t get pushed aside because of special needs; it gets magnified.
7. Don’t forget that you still matter. It’s very easy to get caught up in serving your family that you leave your needs for last. Find out, in case you’ve forgotten, what makes you happy and set aside time to do it. The more opportunities you take to renew your own spirits the easier it will be to lift others. This includes your marriage, if applicable. While it may seem like forever to you right now, your child probably won’t always need you as much as he does at this time- Don’t lose yourself or forget how important it is to his growth for you to keep growing as well.
8. Ask for and Accept help. Some of us take it in spades while others struggle with getting help. This applies to behavior modification, child sitting, a break, a meeting or whatever. You are not alone so do not carry your load alone. Do what you can and what you need to do but then let others assist you in your amazing journey. You have to feel comfortable with those assisting you, and you don’t want to take advantage of caring people but you’ll be surprised at how many thank you for the experience of getting to know your child better. Don’t deny them the opportunity and don’t deny yourself the helping hand.
9. Learn all you can. Whether it’s first steps or walking at graduation, the proudest moments of a mother’s life is getting to watch her child succeed. Empower yourself by gaining knowledge about your child specifically and about the ways you can help him. There are numerous resources out there if you’ll take the time to find them. Never stop learning and encourage your child to do the same. You’ll both grow more than you ever imagined was possible. Knowledge is power for you and him. Every child has the potential to learn, we just have to find the right ways to teach.
10. Learn how to be a window instead of a door. Chances are your child depends on you for just about everything at one point in his life, if not constantly. You are his safety. There is a great big world out there that is pretty intimidating but inside he finds comfort in you. Never given him reason to question his trust in you but do not keep him behind a closed door, protecting him from the unknown. Rather, consider yourself his window- he will first experience the world through you, where it is safe but gradually open that window and let him smell the air, feel the breeze and see that there’s a lot more sunshine than there are thunderstorms. The easiest way to achieve this is to believe it yourself. Give him a shoulder to lean on but don’t become his crutch… you won’t always be there to hold him up and he’ll get a lot further on his own two feet.
11. Love unconditionally. This more than likely isn’t a problem for you but still needs to be said. Be patient with your child, with others and with yourself. No mess is worth feelings of bitterness and blame. No amount of time can erase words that you regret having said. Remember that life is good and we are here to be happy. Find the happiness in life and so many troubles just disappear. Time waits for no one so make every minute count and never forget that love conquers all… and that includes autism.