vanishing act

I have been away. Not so much from life or writing... in fact, my classes have me doing more essays per week than even I have enough words for... but I've tried to distance myself from the typical things that busy up my day.

When I go in to have a baby I leave everything everything at home (truthfully- I've never even taken a suitcase of personal things) and my husband and I go in to do one of the hardest things that exist. Bringing life into this world is hard work and I'm grateful for the months that we have to prepare ourselves for it.

Now, I did not take a break to have a baby but I did take a break to bring new life into my world.

There is nothing wrong with filling your plate from time to time, multitasking is fine when appropriate but when something is troubling us or requires our best effort, we should devote everything we have to it- if it really matters. And if it really does matter than everything else can wait. I don't try to multitask when in labor but rather am focusing on breathing; I am hoping and anticipating for that very moment when the breath of a new life takes mine away.

I would not dream of making calls, answering emails or doing dishes at that time because I wouldn't want to miss it. Life happens and can't be ignored but sometimes it needs to take a backseat to living. I have tried making every breath my kids take just as important to me as the first one. I'm not insane or unreasonable, I'm not talking about following them around or documenting their every move (oh wait, sometimes that's exactly what I do)- but after all, we lived full lives the entire 9 months we were carrying them (except for when they had us vomiting or on bed rest)but when it came to hear a heartbeat, feel a kick or time a contraction- we were there with all of our being completely devoted to the moment (then we blogged or scrap-booked about it).

I have a full plate, my children are a 24/7 all you can eat buffet but luckily I have been blessed with a hearty appetite. That said, I'm just like every other mother and even I get too full at times. Thank goodness for antacids (the husband, the bath, the nap and the ice cream)!

The last few weeks have toppled on top of me. My schedule filled up quicker than I could control (I didn't even have time to take regular potty breaks) and I found myself crossing things of the list that were important but just weren't first priority. I wasn't looking for a leisurely boat ride but a lifesaver that would save me from drowning. Trying to get ready to leave town is always hectic but adding exams, meetings and make up work to all of it made me feel overwhelmed. I just didn't have time to do it all.

The part I don't like to admit. Too often, my kids are the ones that got crossed off. Granted, I made it up to them with a week in Disneyland but as I come back home and try to get back in the swing of it all, I find myself repeating some of the same thoughts and behaviors. I love the tender moments I had with just me and the kids. Sharing, talking and hugging (Okay, it was sharing my ice cream, talking about where the ketchup and french fries were to be purchased next and hugging all the way off of ride that children didn't want to leave- but still, that's my life and I love it!).

I love my children so much. I gave up my mind and body to them years ago and don't want all of that stuff back- I gave it without the expectation to ever see it again. There is a piece of me in each one of them and they make up the majority of me. I never knew who I was, what I wanted or how strong I could be until they all taught me. With all of that, I am still a person and my saw needs to be sharpened. The more I get used and abused the more trips I need to the blacksmith. I need to constantly remind myself of that and not feel guilty or ashamed.

Most things I do are good, some are better and there's those few moments that are the best. As I reflect on this, I can always place my family in the best. No time ever spent with a child is wasted.

My challenge to myself is to remember this and when it comes time to reorganize my to do list I always have them at the top. I spend too much time saying, "just a minute" and not enough minutes just to hear what they're saying.

I'm not talking overboard obsession. After-all, they need a break from me just as much as I need a break from them (maybe even more)but just be careful not to overload myself with good things that I don't have any time for the best. Saving the best for last sometimes means losing your favorite flavor Starburst to the unexpected visitor that you feel compelled to share with (better believe I eat the red ones first from now on).

When the contractions start we don't say "just a minute", we drop everything and devote our attention to our babies' needs. We focus our breathing to minimize the pain and reach for our husband's hands because even though he can't do the work for you, it feels so much easier with him by your side and holding you tight. No push is too hard and no pain too great because a miracle is about to happen any minute.

One of my favorite things about newborns is the time you just spend holding them. Funny thing is that we end it usually before the child is ready to. They always need us and our love. I still look to my mom to let me know she's there and everything's all right. The older they get the harder (and more awkward) it is to rock them, but that doesn't mean we have to give up that time. Babies first tell us they love us by laying silently on our shoulders or smiling when we rescue them from the dreaded mess they just made in their diaper. The older they get the more they can say. I treasure my conversations (as odd as they usually are) like I treasure the rocking and sometimes we can still do both.

I just wanted to remind myself what really matters to me so that I can remember to make it my first priority. Even when life gets hectic, and especially when the list gets too full; My marriage, my children and my self deserve the best.

So, forgive me if I take a little time to fill my well and sharpen my saw. It may seem like a vanishing act but really, I was just feeling some contractions and I don't want to miss any miracles...