Learning for myself... One step at a time.

I had an amazing experience recently. It started a few weeks, maybe even months ago but finally my feelings came full circle.

I have not been feeling well. In fact, I have been trying to help my liver recover near failure. While researching, because Google knows everything and never lies, I came across a Chinese connection of suppressed anger living in the liver.  Okay, I can handle this.   After all, I am a people-pleaser so I suppress a lot of my own feelings to make others happy. Working on that. I am passionate and so naturally I would feel anger or at least discontent towards things that counter my passions. And, I have been suppressing the desire to scream every time I find ketchup has been returned to the ceiling, under the table and scraped across the wall. I suppress the desires to sometimes have a friendly petting zoo vs a wild animal park.  Mainly, I suppress things I don't know I am suppressing simply because I don't want to give them any attention... I don't have time for things I can't fix so I try not to worry about them (and just blog about them instead).

In addition to swallowing vitamins made from leaves and bark I have begun sitting calmly while chanting sounds and smiling at my liver.  I am a fixer so I will try just about anything that doesn't involve pain!

One thing I couldn't figure out was these episodes of emotion I have been having.  While studying psychology I learned about depression, so naturally, being the dedicated student I started having symptoms. I learned first hand how real depression is and how scary it can be.  While in a depressive state, I feel out of control of my thoughts and think things I am afraid to admit. I feel helpless and I just cry and scream all at once. It can come out of nowhere and disappear just as readily.  I have found I am more prone when tired and easily calmed after resting.  A good foot massage never hurts either. I have been working on my own battle with depression every summer since I am allergic to mosquitoes and just happen to live in a beautifully infested area. I don't go outside much during the warm season yet long to sit under the stars or work in the garden that one of my animals has inevitably tinkered with. Still, I have experienced a new sort of depressed feelings as of lately and wanted to share my experience. Mind you, it is personal and sacred but I share so that hopefully it might help another.

I don't do well alone. Nights mainly, when Mr. Zookeeper has to work out of town. I turn into a pumpkin after 10:00 pm and imagine that the dog barking means someone is coming in and if he's not barking, he's been killed and now they're coming after me.  Exhausting, yes. Last week I had such an experience. I had just been to the doctor and told my liver was really struggling and needed to be addressed with all my attention. Naturally, I started feeling an ache and figured falling asleep would mean I'd never wake up again. Knowing I needed to get in a new, safe and realistic frame of mind, I turned my attention to something else and soon after was able to get some sleep.  And guess what. I didn't die. No, really, in spite of what I was convinced of the night before; everything turned out alright. My laundry pile even increased magically so all was back to normal. I might have had a few more bouts of crazy these last few days that alarmed Mr. Zookeeper.  Sometimes I think he doesn't know whether to hug or slap it out of me but regardless, he is always very patient and understanding. I am generally embarrassed when I come out of my depressed thoughts, because that's not me and I don't like feeling that way. Mr. Zookeeper quickly forgives and I am trying to learn to do the same.

The other night I had similar feelings, yet Mr. Zookeeper hadn't even left yet. In fact, my emotions ruined a perfectly good foot rub! Crying out of nowhere, I asked him to talk... about anything. He immediately complied and started listing facts about computer servers and cables... apparently confusion is a great cure for moments of emotional depression. I snapped out of it but not without causing Mr. Zookeeper to re-consider his plans for his upcoming departure.

The problem was that he had to go. He is overseeing the stone and tile installation of one of the temples being worked on by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and his visit was to deliver the final materials. I could not go along, finals were due and I was already behind so it was decided he would go alone and I would seek help when and if it was needed. I promised. I thought everything was settled until Mr. Zookeeper called the next morning and told me about his night. He had terrible nightmares of arriving on sight. He was awakened all night by a sickening feeling and drove into work confused. I checked my own pulse since I had slept great and felt fine about him leaving... until now!  He said that he just didn't feel right, but it was an eery feeling. After a few phone calls and me evaluating my emotional well-being, I assured him that I would be OK. That said, I worried about his travel or trouble really arising on site.

Mr. Zookeeper contacted his foreman who expressed similar feelings and thoughts but concluded it was the adversary trying to thwart progress. Mr. Zookeeper agreed that he had not felt comforted in the decision to come and stay be me but also he couldn't bring himself to continue the drive with such dark feelings. I believe that one of Satan's tactics in destroying families is by getting inside of a mother's head and telling her she is useless.  These are realizations that I had been working on coming to terms with but now I saw my conflict in a new light.  By encouraging feelings of doubt and fear, I was becoming a worry to my husband.  The adversary is cunning and I have no doubt that he would use anyone to fulfill his own purpose.  He does not want the work to go forward. A temple, a House of God is not good business for the evil mastermind and he will throw out every trick he can.

I had the realization come to me that through me, Satan was trying to keep the final material from arriving.  I did not know it, Mr. Zookeeper had not known it but we both felt the confirmation of its truth simultaneously. I did not recognize the person crying and wailing of doubt.  That is because it was not me, I was overcome by darkness. That same darkness sought to confuse my husband and others.  As we discovered this plot, we instantly felt renewed and Mr. Zookeeper felt he could continue. After going about my morning, I felt a huge burden lifted from my shoulders. I wanted to cry but this time out of happiness. I felt saved, even if only temporarily by a higher power. And the best part is- I'm not crazy!

Some may not believe in the things I have said but I bear my witness to the truthfulness of the gospel and God's plan for each of us. I couldn't restrain. I called Mr. Zookeeper to share my new energy and he too felt instantly lifted. Before I was used to delay progress and now I was being used to move it forward. I gained a respect for the pioneers and people of scriptural times as they expressed feelings of joy in times of trials. My trials are not over, I am not healed and nothing is final until the building is dedicated but I feel like I am not just battling an emotion or feeling but it is a bigger fight. A war against evil which we know goodness will overcome in the end. I issued a warning of safety, I don't know what kind of power Satan has in blowing tires and found myself recalling the words of "Onward Christian Soldiers" as I not-so silently sang along.

While discussing things over with Mr. Zookeeper, I came to another realization. This time about Tiger. I have always been counseled to raise Tiger as a righteous warrior. Apparently all of that fight in him will be put to use. He is generally a ball of fire and never lacking in energy. These last few months he has been very tame. I attributed it to my illness and mercy from heaven. Today I felt that mercy explained, even if just briefly. Tiger is a special spirit and the adversary can't use him.

This made me think about all of the fellow moms out there with special children, or even just children in general as they are all special to our Heavenly Father. Dealing with special needs and the everyday chores that come with it can be tiring, even depressing. God knows these children are special but so does scratch.  The only way to get to them is through us, their mothers. By making us feel defeated and unworthy, he is attempting to steer us away from raising righteous warriors!  We cannot allow him to do that! Heavenly Father sent us our children with a purpose for them and for us. Maybe it is to teach us patience, kindness, long suffering or endurance- and maybe it is to raise them to defeat the power of darkness in the last days. My dad once proposed the question, "Is it more difficult to grow up and become a prophet or to be the mother raising him?"  I encourage us all to think outside the box when we are battling our demons as mothers.

Remember that we have strength to do what we have been called to do and that angels will accompany us. Sometimes I think those very angels are the ones I am trying to raise. When we are feeling down, defeated and overall depressed, consider where the feelings are coming from. If there are things we need to change then we should act accordingly and with all our soul. But, we should not forget that our duty as mothers and our capabilities pose a threat to the opposing side. Look to our strengths instead of weaknesses and realize the women that God has designed us to be!  We are incredible!

I learned that not everything is always as it seems. I believe that my health problems are real and not just imaginary and that ailments, symptoms and feelings will continue due to my state. Still, I don't believe that has to be the whole picture. I do not have all of the answers nor do I claim to be perfect, though I would never deny it to Mr. Zookeeper if he chooses to believe he married the perfect woman. I simply know, with all of my heart that God loves me and that He wants me to be happy. Feelings contrary do not come from him. Even when I am unsure of the reasons or outcomes of all things, I always feel comforted in knowing Heavenly Father's spirit with me.  When I do not feel that comfort, I am to recognize it for what it is and seek to dismiss it immediately.

The work of the temple is rolling forward. This experience has been amazing, frightening, enlightening and incredible all at once. I am sure many stories could be told of how righteousness prevails and the work of God cannot be stopped. Journals are filled with stories about pioneers building the kingdom. No one said you had to be pull a handcart to take part...