Zoo Closes for Holiday Maintenace

The past month has been (and continues to be) a humbling time for me. I have been reminded that I am mortal and that at some time, we must all leave this earth. This wasn't the first (or last time) it's been considered but there are times that seem to find us more vulnerable than others.

I was watching a movie, Silent Night, with the dear husband when my arm started shaking. I'd been through this before so I continued watching on and tried to hold my arm tightly. With no success the shaking took over my body. I sprung up out of the couch no longer able to hold still and felt faint. That's when it all started. I felt out of my body and out of my mind. I looked at my husband for answers, and any amount of relief. I ran to the bathroom to throw up but couldn't hold still. I ran upstairs; I don't really know why, I just kept running trying to control my mind fearing that if I stopped, I may never get back up. I pleaded with my father in heaven to not let me die but no answer came. I drank some orange juice, took my vitamins and jumped in the bath in attempt to calm my body. It was no use. My eyes filled with tears and I admitted to my husband that I felt like I was going to die; if not tonight, then very soon.

I called my dad just to get another perspective and he spoke of Satan being real and really good at his deceptive craft. He mentioned the many women he counseled with as a bishop and gave me the shortened version of their talks. I needed to focus and be in control of my own thoughts. In short, Satan has the power to bruise my heel but I have the power to crush his head. I received my first of many priesthood blessings that night, how grateful I am for a loving husband who is worthy to place his hands on my head at any time and offer heavenly peace.

I was mentally and physically exhausted. I slept in and awakened to Mr. Zookeeper getting the kids off to school. I felt good so he headed off to work himself. Not even an hour later, I felt the shaking start. I called friends but got no answer. I followed my drill of unlocking the front door and calling Mr. Zookeeper. I went into my shakes and tried my best to control the episode. Within minutes, Mr. Zookeeper had two sweet friends coming through my door and into the kitchen where I sat on the floor. In chopped words, I explained what had happened and what I needed. I was shaking physically, mentally and emotionally. Satan had made his way into my head and was busy chiseling away. I asked a friend to pray in my behalf and instantaneously the shaking stopped and my body was calmed. One took my children while the other stayed and talked with me until Mr. Zookeeper could come home.

I felt embarrassed. I felt weak and I felt confused. The next morning I was given a blessing by our Bishop and dear friend. His words of counsel and comfort will always stick with me. In spite of the morning starting off so spiritual, Tuesday brought on another attack and when it was over, I was even more exhausted. Mr. Zookeeper took the next day off and thank goodness because Wednesday brought four sick kids with the flu and, not wanting to be left out, I caught it as well. Friday was my doctor appointment and I was ready to get relief. As it turns out, my body was suffering. In connection with all of my previous ailments and issues, my adrenal glands were overloaded and not doing well. We stopped all other treatment and are focusing aggressively on this one. On a scale of 1-10, our energy levels should be about 7-9 and dipping down into 6's when we are tired and ready for bed. At 10:00 in the morning, I was at a 2. Plus, my insulin resistance was back. I was discouraged and tired and found myself wondering if my premonitions of dying young were in fact true.

Saturday I woke up tired so Mr. Zookeeper put me back to bed. He had to go into work and Monkey was still struggling so he took her to the doctor. Double ear infections, poor baby. Wanting me to rest, Mr. Zookeeper took all the kids. Only I couldn't rest. I started shaking all over again and this time I felt "stuff" shooting through my veins. I can't really explain the feeling even though it still happens; at the time, it just felt scary. As he does, Mr. Zookeeper had another friend at my doorstep within minutes. I explained to her what was happening and within minutes felt my "crash". I laid on the couch to get some relief but then the shaking started up again. I didn't know what to do because I didn't know what was happening to me. I begged for another prayer and was granted with sweet words of comfort. I went with my friend to her house and sat, walked, laid and shook while she tended to me. Four kids of her own, one on the way and I was probably the biggest baby! Again, I just didn't know what to do- I felt so weird, so uneasy. She called a dear friend of ours who is a nurse and she checked my blood sugar and pulse. She says she did nothing but she'll never know the peace she offered in that simple act. Mr. Zookeeper picked me up and before leaving, I threw up. Rhino threw up so we left before doing more damage. I threw up in the car and about seven more times over the course of the next two hours. After sipping some Pepto, I finally felt relief. I just laid there, wiped out completely. Monkey was still pretty sad and struggling to sleep with her ear infections and cough so I sat on the couch propping her up so she could get some relief as well.

Sunday was uneventful, thank goodness and I sat content while Mr. Zookeeper went to the airport to pick up my mom. You never stop needing your mommy! She was here for the week to take care of the house and the kids so that I could get better. She cleaned and cooked and talked endlessly with me. She recalled her own experience with panic attacks and what she did to overcome them. I knew that I was suffering from anxiety, panic and probably borderline crazy but also had the physical end to deal with. I wasn't just imagining I was sick, I really was and have been undergoing treatment and life changes for the last six months! I am generally an overachiever but this was all getting to be a bit much. More friends showed up on my doorstep with encouraging words and gifts for Tiger. I will forever be grateful for everyone's kindness!

I had final exams I needed to complete so I worked to get those done while still trying to maintain my rest. Mr. Zookeeper and I decided it was time to put Tiger back in school. This was so hard for me on many levels. I saw what he could do at home and wanted to help him progress further but with doctor's orders of de-stressing and not lifting anything or anyone; I knew I would be of no use to him. I felt my life being taken away from me. It sounds dramatic, I know, but it is true. Everything I loved to do (and eat) was denied. I was taking vitamins to boost my system and vitamins to suppress my shakes. Enter Satan. He painted the not-so- nice picture of my exit. My grand finale was tragic and I couldn't bear to think of it, yet I could think of nothing else. I pleaded with the Lord again and received the peaceful assurance that I was never alone.

The week was full of ups and downs. Mom was due to go home but I was still struggling so it was decided the kids and I would go home with her and reunite with Mr. Zookeeper a week later. That night I met some wonderful ladies who were all going through challenges of their own, particularly with special needs children. One woman spoke of her sweet daughter who has a fatal disease and it did my heart good to share her spirit. This young, sweet mother reminded me how every minute, every moment counts and how beautiful life is even with all of its uncertainties. I went home grateful to her and to my Heavenly Father for my own precious children and life. In preparation of leaving early the next morning, I packed our things and I carried my daughter up the stairs to bed. Unfortunately, I was not as strong as I felt. I had no strength; I nearly collapsed and the shaking started again. I was so sick. Mr. Zookeeper woke up and provided me another blessing. I was able to calm my body down and rest.

The first two weeks of December were draining but the month was not over. Every song or thought made me realize my mortality and open the gateway for Satan to swoop in and muddle my mind. I talked with my dad again and regained some perspective. Heavenly Father would never make me feel like those thoughts were making me feel. Christ never leaves us and we're here to be happy!

I went to stay with my sister while my mom kept my kiddos. Oh, was that difficult. My husband in one house, my kids in another and there I was just trying not to shake, think, cry or all of the above. The simplest things wore me out completely and I was my sister's third child. Christmas was a week away and I had been down the whole month. I gathered my thoughts and focused on recovery. I focused on my Savior and the true meaning of health and strength. I focused on letting my body heal in it's own time and I focused on what it was trying to tell me. I rested, truly and for the first time in a long time, I took care of myself first. Of course I felt guilty, and I worried about Christmas and everything else but then the sweet guidance of my Savior reminded me that family was the best gift. My children didn't need my presents, they needed my presence. I was able to gain some strength and with the help of my sister got a few items from the wish lists of my children. I was beginning to feel normal again and was grateful for the renewal. I know that my recovery and transformation are not yet completed but I also know that I will not have to travel this unknown road alone. I am grateful for modern medicine and the miracles provided at the hands of others. I am grateful for friends and family who welcomed me and my children into their homes and hearts when it was less than convenient. I am grateful for the priesthood, my eternal family and the knowledge I have of  the Plan of Salvation. I am grateful for angels who have accompanied me both from heaven and earth and for letting me lean on their joyous strains.  I am grateful for the gifts given to me in the form of patience, charity, long suffering and love.

I know that the Lord does not give us anything we cannot handle and all of our trials make us stronger. I cannot explain the things I have learned because the teaching isn't over but I do know that Christ lives and never leaves us. This all started while watching a movie about a silent night and the famous song it became. Silent Night, Holy Night. All is calm, all is bright... Sleep in Heavenly Peace.

I mentioned earlier that in the beginning, I prayed for comfort that didn't seem to come. I prayed to be healed and was not granted that plea immediately. I wondered what that meant and have been enlightened to remember that God does not take away our challenges because he loves us. He lets us endure and sometimes does not reveal all things because we have to learn them for ourselves. Yet, he does this with open arms. I guess I never really felt alone, I just wasn't getting the answers I wanted. Like a loving parent, he stayed by my side and weathered my storm with me. I never saw his face or heard his voice, but I felt my Savior speak to my heart and offer guidance and comfort. The times I cried out and begged for him to lift me up I realize now were the times he was already holding me.

As I continue to rest and recover, I ponder the first Christmas and the gifts that were given. Mary bore her son in a borrowed stable with her worried and attending husband by her side and her Heavenly Father near. Shepherds came to visit and wise men offered gifts.  The world was still.  This past month, I felt in another world. I never got to sing Christmas songs, bake (or eat) cookies, attend parties or any of the other festive traditions I enjoy. I tried not to visit the land of self pity and knew many, many others who were worse off but it did not escape my mind nonetheless. I kept trying to get better so I could enjoy the season before it was over. In God's mercy, I got something better. While trying to get well for Christmas I was blessed with the spirit of it. I received the true love of Christ through service rendered me even when I could give nothing in return. I am humbled in knowing that any strength I have comes from the Lord and he will make me strong enough to serve my family once again. Christmas morning found me watching my family with new eyes of love and gratitude for the miracle that every day presents.  I truly was happy to just be a part of it all and well enough to enjoy the time with them. Life is precious and I have been blessed in ways I cannot describe. For now, all is calm and all is bright and I, like Mary, will take all of these things and ponder them in my heart...