When my kids were younger, I marked and celebrated every milestone. It might have been as big as the first day of school or as little as having matching socks- or even just having two socks period on any given day.
We watch as our babies grow so quickly when in fact they grow very slowly, or at least one step at time. We all know the ridiculous faces we make trying to get baby to swallow his peas and the excitement of tinkling on the appropriate seat. We are fully invested in their improvement and even head over to the doc to document each change. Goodness- I remember the nurses getting excited over baby's first bowel movement, and mine too, for that matter! What an accomplishment after such an ordeal!
Then, they get older and we expect so much out of them and ourselves.
Puppy just learned to ride a bike. Now I can't keep her off it; not even long enough to learn to tie her own shoes because "it's too hard." In my infinite mommy wisdom, I explained to her how it took her several tries to learn to ride her bike. Because I wasn't there personally, I realized my argument had very few details so I nonchalantly changed the subject to how she learned to walk and how excited we all were for her. I detailed how she'd fall but get right back up and how at first, even the tiniest step took concentrated effort and determination.
Puppy still prefers riding her bike over the painful and agonizing shoe tying lessons. So much drama over a bunny ear! In my frustration, and because I was left alone with just me and some shoe laces, I began to digest my own words.
Apparently Puppy gets her irritation and self defeat from her mother... of all the things to pick up on!
I have had a lot of changes in the past year. Most of them have all been for the better but that does not mean they were easy. My mom can probably even relate to the former excitement of watching her little girl take a single step all on her own only now it was magnified by thirty years and slightly more awkward. Out of desire and necessity (mostly necessity) I have had to completely change how I think, what I do and when I do it. I have had to resort to the basics and start at the very beginning (except for the diapers- never had to go back that far, thank goodness!) I had to rely on others for an example and assistance AND I visited the doctor every few weeks to track my progress. Though I never got a lollipop, his wisdom was priceless as was his enthusiasm for my progress. He even thanked me for coming to him... I'm sure my ability to swipe a card had a little something to do with it but I am choosing to believe it is because I am so special... what?
I have a demanding family. There is no question there and that is not going to change because I get tired. Luckily I can change even if my responsibilities don't. I have had a lot of patience with watching my children progress. Autism can kind of slow some things down. Every milestone has been planned for, prepared and worked on without a time limit. Autism can be very freeing that way! We recognize that things aren't typical and so we are content with real results. I look at the things I have done with my kids and think, "I am a genius!" Okay not really, the celebration is usually short-lived by a child-on- shelf- testing- gravity type of situation but still, I've been able to witness some miraculous things. That said, I do not always give myself the same benefits, the same chances. I do not make time for myself to improve or to take baby steps- I just don't have time for that!
A squirrel gathers an entire winter's supply of nuts one at a time, maybe two if she's feeling ambitious. A mother bird builds her nest by focusing on each string's placement and the humpback whale crosses the ocean a little bit every day. It would be impossible for them to accomplish things any other way! They weren't designed to and ultimately, they don't have to.
Hours of PBS kids has taught me that there is an ant in every giant. I have a couple of giants living here but the biggest one is called To-Do. He follows me everywhere I go and constantly nags at me. He has been growing effortlessly for many years while hitting a growth spurt over the last year. With the goals of happiness, joy and love; I am breaking down my giants and squishing a few ants. I wonder what I could accomplish with some door-to door sales guy bug spray... I digress... baby-steps, right? I am starting off by deciding what is important to me and what really matters in the end.
I have 2 steps so that when I finish step 1 I can effortlessly take step 2 and resort back to 1 when I stumble.
My priorities:
1. Relationship with my Heavenly Father: 1. Talk to him daily
2. Learn of Him
2. Self: 1. nourish self through proper food and positive self talk
2. Do something that I enjoy
3. Spouse: 1. kiss everyday (I'm going to really enjoy this one)
2. Alone time
4. Kids: 1. Love is spelled T-I-M-E.
2. 10-15 minutes daily chore time
5. House: 1. 5- minute clean up in each room
2. No clothes on the floor (MY NEMESIS!)
6. Others: 1. Say something nice/positive
2. Do something nice/positive
So, in a sense, I am like a child learning to walk, to tie my shoes and to ride a bike. I will fall, I'll probably get frustrated and tears will be shed (I am not that naive) but I will get back up because I'm stubborn like that. I am going to take my own advice (since Puppy isn't using it anyway) and I am going to focus on the little things. I am going to slow down and try to gather nuts, build a home and cross oceans one step at a time...
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