HaiR cUTs!

I'm thinking I might want to attend animal grooming school- you see, I cut all of the boys' hair around here and while I was nervous starting out ten years ago I have come to shake off that fear and can now say it's a whole body experience- no really!

Mr. Zookeeper was the perfect one to practice on because he never minded when I used the wrong clip on the shaver- or that time when I forgot to put one on. He was always very kind and thanked me for the free haircut- even when it took me over an hour to make sure his sideburns were lined up.

Rhino came along and I was afraid to cut his hair- for one I thought there was some rule that you had to wait until they were one year old- realizing that was stupid I let a neighbor cut it for me and gave him sight again. Things went well and I had no problem trimming the little guy's hair until one day he just flipped out. Kicking and screaming and kicking some more. HE HATED IT! It got so bad that Mr. Zookeeper had to hold him down. His frightful tears that became waterfalls every time he heard the clippers turn on broke my heart but if anyone was going to make him cry it was going to be me (I at least knew how to soothe him and wouldn't get frustrated) so I continued on- loving when it was over and dreading the next time.

Tiger came along and it was a bit of fresh air. I could trim his little hair and he'd just look at me with awe- until one day- SCREAM! It was about the same time as his regression and he hated it even more than Rhino- which I wasn't sure was possible.

So now I had two boys- both clawing at me to stop torturing them. Heartstrings got pulled- hair got pulled (mine naturally) and I found bruises in places that I didn't know could bruise. The whole neighborhood knew when the zoo was doing their monthly grooming.

Mr. Zookeeper has a way with Rhino and after years of convincing, bribing and humorously showing by example... Rhino had finally believed that he wasn't being punished and that the razor wasn't going to kill him. Mr. Zookeeper actually got him to believe that the razor wasn't hurting- it was tickling. Now Rhino, though squinting his eyes and still getting anxious- especially when it comes time to go around the ears laughs through his whole haircut. It is a forced laugh mind you but I will take it!

Tiger- yeah- not so lucky. He was always much better at abusing me then Rhino was and has taken it to the next level (thanks goodness- I'd never survive a beating from a rhino). Tiger's a smaller guy (probably something to do with the potato and ketchup diet) so he's a little bit easier to hold but his feisty-ness makes up the difference. Ages 1-2 I 'd have him up on the counter where I could hold him, 3-4 I moved him to a highchair (seat belt included) and tried to drown out my noise with a favorite movie- yeah- didn't work. By 5 he was on my lap eating hair covered french fries while I was in the chair- I became the seat belt and at 6 I moved to the ground where my legs became his seat belt- french fries were flying at me face- so we got rid of those. Occasionally Mr. Zookeeper would be around during the process and could act as a five point harness but sometimes we just had to make do. Fearing for my own safety- I began my doing my own prep by securing my hair back and wearing clothes that I didn't mind getting covered in hair or cut up by fingernails or teeth. Tiger is now 7; his legs and arms are much too long and we've had to make some adjustments. While I always attempt to start off in a chair-sitting position with all of the comforts imaginable (hey- I see the kid-oriented hair-cutting places' commercials), come hair-cutting day you will inevitably hear screams of horror coming from the upstairs and find a Tiger belly-flopped on the floor with a Mama Zookeeper sitting on him trying to go as quickly as possible using calming language and reassurance phrases- if you're sitting on someone the least you can do is be polite and hurry up. I don't have a problem remaining calm because I know the second I turn off the clippers and say "done"- he spits out the collection of falling hair he gathered on his tongue while protesting, picks himself up, looks at me with a sigh and a nice bath washes all of his troubles away. He even still gives me hugs and squeezes after the bath and for some reason he always sleeps really well after that... Hmmm....

Puppy and Monkey like to get in on the action. Puppy is there with a broom, as always being my big helper and Monkey, who is not afraid of clippers or scissors is always trying to get in the chair for her haircut- thanks to Tiger not being afraid to cut other people's hair she'd had a few cuts of her own we've had to deal with. When not being granted the wish of getting to take a seat- she eagerly begins frustrating Puppy while trying to steal her broom- we have since purchased two so now they can both clean up after me- kids fighting over who gets to clean the most- I have a tough life- I know.

I don't enjoy the experience any more than they do but it's important to me to have my boys looking as groomed as possible (possibly to make up for the constant shorts and PJ's wearing or the ketchup stained faces) so we keeping doing it- of course I cut their hair as short as I can to hopefully buy a few a few extra weeks in between. Maybe someday Tiger will surprise me, follow Rhino's lead and start laughing his way through it.. or maybe I'll get calls from his wife (hey- there's hope)to come help her sit on him but either way, sometimes we just have to do what we have to do- even if it leaves you hairy, itching and causes a headache, nose-ache or chest-ache. Rhino even thanks me after torturing him because he loves his hair cut- once it's over and Tiger, though still heavily protesting, restrains himself from giving me black eyes- because I know he could really take me out if he really wanted to. I love my boys- kicks, screams and all!

So, we keep on cutting and keep on trying to change the experience for the better and in the meantime, try to make it as painless as possible. And who knows, if Zoo-keeping doesn't work out for me, perhaps I could get a job at the circus grooming the animals...