use your words...

Animals don't have words so they make sounds. We may study and observe but we may also never really understand what message they are getting across.(And that might be better for us, they could be mocking us for wearing clothes for all we know!) Nevertheless, their communication is effective for them.

If I was handed a dime for every time I turned to my children and uttered, "use your words," I would have enough money to buy a year supply of ketchup! (hmmm.. maybe I should look into investor opportunities, I digress.)

From special needs to tantrum-filled toddlers, "use your words" is a part of my daily vocabulary check list.

Too often as mothers, though, we spend more time giving advice for healthy growing than we do taking it. "Here, Take my advice- I'm not using it anyway..."

I have never had a problem with words, as you can tell I usually find too many of them, but I have always struggled with using my words to communicate what it is I want. If ever you had this mislead perfected image of me embedded in your mind, prepare to be grounded. I am a people pleaser. This does not mean I am fake or an ever changing chameleon but rather I do not like to inconvenience other people and I feel terrible when I do. I'd rather rearrange my entire day than make someone wait five minutes for me. This is not always a bad thing but everything needs balance. As a mother it's not just me that I'm rescheduling for or running faster with. I would probably walk in the rain before calling for a ride just because I wouldn't want to make anyway go out of their way. And well, let's face it- that's just dumb.

Overall I do okay, but it is in those times that I cannot control that I see how much others want to help. I just need to use my words.

When things work out, I get reinforced to try that again but when it doesn't, I get out my hammer and nails and start building protective walls. Because I worry so much about other people, I assume there are millions out there worrying about me; so when you can't find an answer it's really disheartening and "I" begin to think it's because I don't have many friends or don't really matter to many. I know this sounds really depressing- like the part of the nature show where the Zebra is just left there to die.

It is sad, but it also the circle of life (we won't get into theme music just yet). A little disappointment and mild depressing times is what urges us to make changes in our life. To know this isn't working allows us to dig deeper and find out what we're really made of. The zebra, sadly, is toast and will soon become one with the earth but without the full circle- there is no progression. (enter theme music)

I recently had experiences that left me envying the doomed zebra. Things got so hard that I too was just lying there wishing the pain would stop. I had been wounded physically, mentally and emotionally and it seemed easier to wish I was a meal for the higher food chain because he at least knew it was almost over. But unlike the zebra, I had to find a way to heal my wounds and not only rejoin the herd but get back out in front again. They needed me and I needed me.

The medicine? Using my words. Not just these words that allow me to find out about myself (and for your entertainment or torture) but the ones I used everyday. The ones that told those around me what I wanted and really needed. It was a tough lesson to learn but I can now speak from experience that using your words is so much better than dramatizing like a dying cockroach on the floor and getting sent to your room for a tantrum. Honesty is not always easy but it does indeed set you free!

I learned in a recent class what it means to be assertive. It is not pushy, overbearing or aggression. It is making your wishes and desires known because you matter. It is using your words and being heard.

I fought it. I did not know how to draw the line between being heard and yelling. I did not want to become the pushy person that I'd always feared; the kind that made it so easy for me to people please because they left me no choice but to argue or succumb.

Then, it became one of my last choices. When you walk into a room and see your husband kneeling down in prayer in your behalf, you become very aware that others love you but cannot help you until you help yourself.

Little engines can do big things and so I mustered all the strength I had and asked for help.

I followed Mr. Zookeeper's example and used my words in prayer because I felt like only the creator of volcanoes knew how to get one to stop erupting. One good thing about prayer is that Heavenly Father already knows we're not perfect so you can skip that part and your words don't have to make sense because he will hear them but can accurately piece them with your thoughts that you couldn't find the words for.

I received strength. I asked for help from my family, specific help. I told them what I was keeping inside and how it was affecting me. I knew if anyone would love me in spite of my faults it was them. I wrote an essay (for an assignment- I'm not that weird) that again allowed me to use my words to discover what was on my mind. Sometimes having to put our thoughts into words allows us to piece all of the randomness that goes on in there... and in my brain- it is like high speed trains with no tracks for regulation.

Finally, I was compelled to look the lion straight in the face and tell him that he was going to have to find another meal because this was just not working out for me. There were tears. My voice was shaking and I took up two hours of the life of the poor teacher that drew the short straw in getting stuck with me. She no doubt walked away wondering why she became an elementary teacher and not a therapist since the pay would be better but I walked away knowing she was heaven sent.

I used my words to tell her how it was hard trying to keep up with the demands of my family on top of the demands of the online schooling. I told her how my family dynamic was different than others they service and the program was not working for us anymore. I stumbled but found the words to tell her I felt like I was failing and needed help. I of course didn't tell her that I was also in school myself and actively engaged in serving my church or that I have to make 9 meals a day and scrub walls every hour- because I didn't want her to know all of the other areas I was also struggling in. But I did tell her everything concerning the children's education. I knew I could handle all of the steps I had to take in a given day but I had to find the right pace so I didn't wear myself out before lunch. Like a mother who calms her child, I was comforted. I was sent to the principal, which in this case was a good thing, and we began working out our obstacles. You can take many steps in one day, you just can't take them all at once.

It has been a long five months. I started as being prey to the more assertive pride and gradually worked my way up the food chain. I used my words to express what I needed and much to my surprise I was heard. Things are now working out for the better. I still have all of the same responsibilities but I am driving the crazy bus instead of just gripping at the bumper in attempt to keep up.

The wild is filled with sounds of communicating. Sometimes it's pretty and other times it's obnoxious but both allows the creature to be heard. I still have lots of learning to do. I still have lots of advice to try out myself but I am getting there. I spend my energy working through issues instead of screaming them into my pillow and I have even started showering again. I come across many road blocks but am learning how to ask for directions, even if it means changing course and making a new map.

Learning to be assertive let me be more honest which gave me time to deal with matters of importance. My husband still prays for me but his eyes are filled with joy instead of worry (probably because I showered) and my children are much happier learning and spreading ketchup all over the walls knowing that mom will demonstrate once again how to use a napkin rather than sprinkling it on them and devouring their innocent souls.

So children, if there is something you need, want or just have to say; don't be afraid to use your words and mom will try harder to do that too...