Unexpected Packages

I needed a break. Not so much from any particular person, place or thing but just in general. A change of scenery always brightens my day and gives me something to look forward to. There is a desperation in knowing you will stay up all night cleaning the house, but satisfaction in knowing it will stay clean for an entire week, even if you have to remove everyone to keep it that way. You can't see the clean closet, kitchen or toilet but even from another state you sigh because you know it is still there.

Vacations are never relaxing for our family but they do serve their own purpose, even if it's washing every pair of underwear and matching every sock in the jungle.

It was just going to be me and the girls. We'd pick up grandma and go sit on Main street one last time before our passes to the second Happiest place on Earth expired. After learning that this was the last opportunity, Rhino consented to accompany us because he had his eye on a toy there and wanted to make sure his every wish was fulfilled. Tiger enjoys himself but it is also stressful for him, and everyone else. I would take Rhino and deal with his emotional diarrhea and Mr. Zookeeper would keep Tiger and spend some time bonding. I had it all planned out, again.

I watched Tiger interact with his siblings and realized that he would be so distraught without his only friends for six days. With no way to explain what was happening and reassure him that we would return I had a decision to make. I could leave as planned and know that while he would be sad we would in fact return and all would one day be right again in his world. Or, I could pack the extra bag and take all four kids along. The problem was not that I didn't want to deal with Tiger, it was that Tiger would be with his siblings but not necessarily happier. He loves a good roller coaster and singing animatronics but all of the moments in between are quite stressful for him. I felt torn trying to decide between the lesser of two evils.

Mr. Zookeeper then informed me that his job called for him to be in a neighboring city the very day I was to be enjoying a break. So, the decision was made and what started as a girls trip turned into a family vacation. The detailed preparations began.

To lessen the load on my shoulders, literally, I opted to overcompensate for Tiger's abilities and made arrangements to disable him. Hear me out. This was a very hard decision. We all teach our kids to talk and then encourage them to be quiet. We clap as they learn to walk and then insist they sit down. I want my children to embrace life as they are but occasionally have to take measures to ensure their safety. (getting to the point) Tiger needed to be happy and I needed Tiger to be safe. I looked around for a stroller that would accommodate an eight year old fighter but to my pocket books dismay could not find one suitable.

I know people have opinions about grown children in strollers. To them I offer the invitation to chase, wrestle and carry my son. I became frustrated. He did not have a medical disability that required him to be in a chair (nor would I wish that) but I needed something. This is an area that some do not understand. It is very expensive to care for children with autism. I'm not just talking about ketchup and french fries! Little if any financial help is given yet so much accommodation is needed.

I had the choice to strap Tiger to a small stroller intended for young children or carry him on my back. I did both.

I was content pushing a few hours out of the day to give my back a break and Tiger was content to be confined in a safe place. He was actually happy to strap himself in. When I had to return the stroller, I accepted the work of carrying him a few miles to the hotel. He is a great walker but only going where he wants to go. He will not let me hold his hand, tie him to a leash or any other less invasive means of keeping him with me. If he walks next to me, I must keep one step behind him (he likes to lead) with an arm stretched out across his back hand cupped a few inches from his shoulder. I cannot touch him but must be ready to stop him from sprinting or plowing through someone at any minute. The alternative, of course is to put him on my back or over my shoulder.

What started as a break ended as a reminder of the real life I live. I struggled with the idea that I was disabling my son whom I work so hard to enable. This is my world. Would I do it again? Absolutely. Tiger was happier being confined even if it did put limits on his strengths.

Plans changed several times over and we ended up home two days sooner than planned. Mr. Zookeeper had to cancel his flight to yet another state for another work assignment and together we drove all night learning about Steve Job's life to stay awake. We arrived home at 2:30 in the morning and you'd better believe I soaked in the cleanliness of the house.

Rhino did not get his toy due to our speedy removal but has a date with the toy store. Puppy lost her favorite (and first) stuffed puppy and had a hard time dealing with Tiger's new stroller usage. Mr. Zookeeper gave her a camera to document her day and we are all very grateful that there is no charge for digital pictures of EVERYTHING. Tiger enjoyed his confined freedom (it sounds strange, but it really is how it sounds) and Monkey's height worked in her advantage as she was able to ride most of the big kid coasters. Crazy trains and silly wet drops made her excited to get to hang out in lines with us. Mr. Zookeeper will be sleeping off the trip for weeks to come and I actually took some pictures for our scrapbook ( a job that the kids will have to put together one day while I recover from raising them) !

This was an interesting trip for me. Growing pains hit different chords. My oldest couldn't understand why he didn't get to go shopping, my youngest was "tall enough", my sweet girl felt loss and jealously and my free spirit had to be restrained. My mom, who accompanied us, helped me ensure everyone's safety and happiness. Though the second day, when joined by dad, the kids didn't have much need for us as they all wanted to be dad's partner! I was Okay seeing them hang on him knowing they weren't hanging on me.

Throughout the quick and ever changing trip, I was reminded that life is about experiences and you can't always plan them out the way you want. Sometimes Rhinos have to get disappointed, Puppies must get hurt to learn, Monkeys always grow up and Tigers must learn they too can become prey if they're not careful.

This is a somber post, I realize it's weight and do not wish to leave the wrong impression. We did in fact go to one of my favorite places in the whole wide world and one cannot help but burst with excitement (and exhaustion) at the mere thought of being there! Okay, I can't help it. I start screaming when we see the road signs! We had some downs but they only occurred in short bursts amidst all of the laughs, smiles and hugs. Family- it's about time! Our days won't always be happy and not every memory will be wrapped in a colorful bow but our time together will ALWAYS be a gift!

I'm grateful for adventures and unexpected packages. Now if I can only figure out how to convince Mr. Zookeeper to get me another annual pass...